10 Tips for Deeper Conversations with Your Partner
What did the kids do today?
Did you pick up dinner?
What’s on the schedule for this weekend?
Before kids, our conversations with our partners were a little (or a lot) deeper. We discussed our likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, goals and habits.
But now, our conversations are mostly transactional. We want to get in and get out in the least amount of time, so we can return to our never-ending to-do lists. Or, we resort to a little small talk before bed just so we know we’ve said something to our partner that day.
And while there’s undoubtedly a utility to these quick conversations, they can leave us feeling disconnected. We start to feel more like roommates or colleagues rather than romantic partners. Which packs on the loneliness and isolation we might be feeling as moms.
It’s a no-good, very bad, all-around discouraging situation. And it’s time to make a change.
Let’s start together. Here are 10 ways to deepen your conversations with your partner.
10 Tips for Deeper Conversations
#1 Adjust your expectations.
Going from A to B isn’t easy! It will take some time to get back to how things used to be! Think of small talk as a first step toward deeper chats. It lays the foundations for richer convos!
#2 Pay attention to time and place.
Nobody wants to have a deep, meaningful conversation when they’re stressed or in the middle of an important activity. Similarly, diving deep into a personal topic in the middle of the grocery store probably isn’t the best idea. So instead, pick a quiet, relaxed space and be sure you have the time available. And if you’re unsure if the time is right, just ask!
#3 Avoid distractions.
We’re pretty glued to our devices. The TV might always be on. The phone is buzzing. The notifications keep rolling in. But to have those deeper conversations, we have to commit to them fully! Dedicate this time to your partner and nothing else. Turn off the TV and silence the phone. You’ll be glad you did!
If your partner is having a hard time ditching the devices, try starting the conversation with:
Hey, we haven’t caught up in a while. And it would feel nice to give each other our full attention. Could we pause the TV for 15 minutes?
#4 Ask open-ended questions.
Open-ended questions can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. Instead, they provide the opportunity for deeper, richer conversations. When you ask open-ended questions, you encourage the person you’re talking with to think before responding, leading to a more thoughtful and complete response.
Instead of, “Was your day okay?” try, “How was your day?”
See the difference?
#5 Practice active listening.
Active listening is listening with all your senses. It’s a way of listening and responding to another person that improves your understanding, builds empathy, and deepens connection. One of the core pillars of active listening is non-verbal communication. Making eye contact, leaning forward, and sitting in an open and inviting position can make a world of difference.
Another essential aspect of active listening is summarizing often. Pull together what you heard, and summarize it for the other person, leaving your judgments at the door. Then, allow them an opportunity to correct you! This builds that connection and understanding, leading to a deeper conversation. It could sound like this:
I heard you say X. Is that right?
#6 Ask before giving advice.
One of the traps we often fall into is giving advice when it’s not asked of us. This can lead to our partner shutting down or becoming defensive, stonewalling the conversation and preventing it from going further and deeper.
When your partner expresses frustration, gently ask this question:
I hear you’re frustrated/upset about this. Do you just need to vent, or would you like my opinion on the situation? I’m here for you either way!
This builds connection and trust. It lets your partner know you’ve got their back, whether they just need someone to understand them or they’re looking for solutions.
#7 Seize the opportunity.
Something your partner said or did last night is still on your mind. Tonight, the kids are in bed. Devices are off. You’re alone with your partner. Now’s the time!
Part of developing those deeper conversations with your partner is having the courage to bring up the tough stuff. Remember, your discussions–and relationship–won’t get more profound if you stay surface-level.
Try starting your tough conversation like this:
This is hard for me, but I want to bring this up because I think it’s important. Yesterday, when you said X, I felt Y. I was thinking more about it today, and I’m still hurt. I think it would help if we talked about it. Can we work through this together?
#8 Be vulnerable.
Social science research tells us that vulnerability breeds connection. But what does real vulnerability look like?
Try thinking of a moment that makes you blush with shame. Then, share it.
It can be really scary. Letting another person into your deepest, sometimes darkest moments can be nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing, uncomfortable, and just downright awkward. If things get intense and your partner just isn’t responding how you need or expect, say:
I know this is probably uncomfortable that I’m telling you this. But I wanted to share it so we could have a deeper understanding of each other. It’s OK if you don’t know how to respond. I guess I just want to know you’re here for me.
#9 Try some conversation starters.
It can be tough to enter these deeper conversations if you’re unsure where to start. There are plenty of conversation starters online that could get you going (like this freebie I have for you). Or, download the Gottman Institute’s Card Deck App. This app has helpful questions and statements to prompt deeper, more meaningful conversations with your partner.
#10 Practice, practice, practice.
Make these conversations a priority! Over time, things will feel less forced and awkward. You’ll become naturals in no time!
Deeper conversations can be tricky.
Sometimes, we need to talk about the hard stuff. And we often have no idea how to even start those discussions.
That’s why I created Navigating Touchy Topics.
Inside this free download, you’ll find 46 scripts for hard heart-to-heart talks with your partner. I cover in-laws, division of labor, parenting and discipline, and connection and intimacy. I even give you tips on what to say if the conversation starts going south!