Jada is struggling. She hasn’t been eating, sleeping, or working like she used to. She wonders if it’s related to her stress as a parent. But, she brushes it off since her kids are 4- and 8-years old. 

“Surely, I should be over the postpartum period by now,” she assumes. 

She keeps her mental health struggles to herself, even though she feels anxious and depressed most days. She wants to talk to her partner about this, but she doesn’t know where to start the conversation.

Talking about mental health can be really, really hard. Even when we want to address it with the people with whom we feel most comfortable and safe. 

That could be for a lot of reasons: 

• We didn’t have a model of how to talk about it growing up.

• We’re scared they’ll see us differently.

• We don’t like to admit we’re struggling with anything. 

Often we avoid the conversation because we feel ashamed. 

Guilt and Shame 101

Guilt and shame are two different feelings that can exist simultaneously.

Healthy guilt is a feeling of psychological discomfort after we do something objectively wrong, even if we didn’t mean to. It’s a motivator to move closer to our goals by identifying when we need to pivot our actions and go in another direction.

Unhealthy guilt is the feeling we get when we’ve done something that goes against our own subjective–often unrealistically high–standards. 
Imagine your house is a total disaster. You think to yourself, “I’m doing something wrong by not keeping my house clean.” Instead of serving as a motivating force, this unhealthy guilt often leads to self-punishment and criticism. Suddenly, “I’m doing something bad,” becomes, “I am bad.”

This feeling is shame. It implies there’s something wrong with us, like we’re somehow defective and totally disconnected from our ideal selves. 

And when shame becomes a pervasive part of our self-talk, we start to believe we’re not worthy of love and belonging. We start to feel powerless, hopeless, and helpless. 

The Importance of “The Conversation”

When it comes to our mental health, shame is actually the #1 reason to have a conversation with those closest to us!

Social science research shows that vulnerability–just being open and having these tough conversations–has a positive impact on feelings of shame. 

Isolation is shame’s best friend. So, when we share our shame with others, we start to feel less alone. And that social connection helps us feel more able to tackle our own struggles. We feel like someone has our back, which makes us more willing to take the plunge and take care of ourselves in meaningful ways. 

These conversations can also lead to practical support. By telling others what we need, we’re giving them the opportunity to help in whatever way is most impactful for us. 

For example, your partner may think that distracting the kids with fun activities so you can clean the house is helpful. But what you really need may be the opposite. You may need your partner to clean while you connect with the kids. But without opening the conversation and telling them, they won’t know. So, you don’t get the support you need.

Rules of Engagement

In any tough situation, it’s important to set “rules of engagement.” These are the guidelines on which you can lean to support a healthy and effective conversation. Try these rules to get you started. Then, have a conversation with your partner about what else you might add to this list!

#1 Pay attention to time and place.

When talking about your mental health, you deserve the other person’s full, undivided attention. But nobody wants to have a deep, meaningful conversation when they’re stressed or in the middle of an important activity. Similarly, diving deep into a personal topic in the middle of the grocery store probably isn’t the best idea. So instead, pick a quiet, relaxed space and be sure you both have the time and energy available. And if you’re unsure if the time is right, just ask!

#2 Avoid distractions.

We’re pretty glued to our phones, tablets, TVs, and laptops. But, again, you deserve 100% of your partner’s attention in these conversations. 

If they’re having a hard time ditching the devices, try starting the conversation with…

Hey, we haven’t caught up in a while. There are some things I want to tell you. And it would feel nice to give each other our full attention. Could we pause the TV for 15 minutes?

#3 It’s you and your partner against the problem.

It’s never you and your partner against each other. It should always be you and your partner against the problem. Taking a step back and problem solving together will lead to the best outcomes. 

Using “I Statements” can really help. Talk about your experience and feelings rather than pointing out any wrongdoing in your partner. This will help to minimize defensiveness and keep everyone in a problem-solving frame of mind.

#4 Be clear in your expectations.

Are you wanting solutions to the problems you’re presenting? Or do you just need someone to listen? Both are totally acceptable. Sometimes, we just need someone to hear us. And that’s OK! 

But, often, the other person will jump into problem-solving mode. If you’re not looking for solutions and just need an ear to listen, start the conversation with…

I’m not looking for solutions. I just really need someone to hear me first. Can you listen to me while I talk about what I’m going through? I think that would really help.

#5 Ask for help when you’re ready.

If you have specific requests, make them. Let your partner in on how they can best support you. If you’re not sure where to start, share this post with them: 5 Ways to Support Your Partner with a PMAD.

14 Prompts to Talk About Mental Health

Invitations

Inviting your partner into a conversation can start things off on the right foot. It gives them the opportunity to decline the conversation in a moment that’s not a good time for them—which helps you reschedule the talk for a time they can give you their undivided attention.

1. I need to talk about something that feels hard. Is now an OK time?

2. I walk to talk with you about something that feels really vulnerable. Is it OK to talk now? 

3. I have a concern about X. It’s been on my mind for a couple days that I should share this with you. Are you game for that?

Starters

By expressing appreciation for your partner’s willingness to take the time to talk with you, you put you and your partner on the same side against the problem. Not against each other. 

4. I appreciate your willingness to talk about hard things with me.

5. Thanks for doing this. I feel cared for when you make me a priority.

6. I know listening instead of problem-solving can be frustrating. Thank you for giving me what I need.

7. I know we have a lot going on, so thanks for sitting down with me.

Sharing Your Feelings

8. I’m feeling X. I’m not sure what to ask for, but I don’t want to be alone in this feeling right now.

9. I’ve been struggling with my feelings lately. 

10. I’m not feeling like myself. Can you listen to what I’m going through?

Asking for Help

11. I’ve been feeling X. Can you remind me what I mean to you? It would really help me right now.

12. I’m struggling with my mental health and what I’ve been trying isn’t working. Can we think of a better plan together?

13. I’m having a hard time taking care of myself. I need extra support around [task]. Can you help me?

14. I’m in a bad place but I’m not ready to talk about it. Can we do something together to distract me for a bit. Then will you ask me about it later so I don’t keep avoiding my feelings?

Setting Boundaries

When preparing for these conversations, it can be helpful to anticipate how the other person might respond to you. Because sometimes, you might not get the response you need. 

Remember that their reaction isn’t a reflection of you.

Your partner may just not know (yet) how to respond appropriately! You can point them toward helpful resources, or you may need to take a step back from the conversation and try again later. All of this is totally OK. 

Take your time and do what’s best for you.

You can do this.

Being vulnerable is hard. But you’re worth it. (Even if your brain says otherwise. Promise.)

Want more scripts?

“Navigating Touchy Topics” gives you 46 scripts for tough conversations with your partner that prioritize connection over conflict. Download it for free.

Sources and Further Reading

Brown, B. (2013, January 14). shame v. guilt. Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/blog/2013/01/14/shame-v-guilt/ 

Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2018). Reconsidering the Differences Between Shame and Guilt. Europe's journal of psychology, 14(3), 710–733. https://doi.org/10.5964/ejop.v14i3.1564 

National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. (n.d.). Guilt vs. shame [Infographic]. Nicabm.com. https://www.nicabm.com/guilt-vs-shame/