Aliyah dreads spending mealtime with her mother-in-law. She gets so much pushback for how she feeds her son. This time, her MIL says, “The last time I watched him I gave him purees and he did just fine. I don’t think you should be giving him solid food.”

This was the last straw. 

But Aliyah was too stunned to speak. She had no idea what to say, so she said… nothing. She regretted not standing up for her boundaries and kept replaying that moment in her head, wishing she had come up with anything at all to say.

Setting and holding firm on our boundaries can feel like a full-time job. Especially when we’re met with boundary violators (the folks who seem to go out of their way to disrespect our boundaries.) In those moments, we may have a difficult time knowing how to respond in a way that honors our carefully-crafted boundaries. 

If you resonate with this, this post is for you.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are where you end and others begin. It’s the fence you build around your physical, emotional, and spiritual space. And that fence allows you to play gatekeeper, to decide who can come in, who can’t, and under what circumstances.

Building and maintaining this proverbial fence can be really tough. And if we grew up in an environment that discouraged boundaries, we’re often left feeling rude, harsh, or selfish for upkeeping our fences. So we don’t set or uphold our boundaries like we should. 

If you take nothing else from this post, hear this: Boundaries are not disrespectful, rude, selfish, or alienating. Boundaries are a necessary act of self-love that can improve your relationships with other people.

Plus, the consequences of not setting and keeping healthy boundaries can really hurt us. Over time, a lack of boundaries can have serious consequences on our daily lives. Without healthy boundaries, we:

• Feel burned out or taken advantage of.

• Avoid focusing on our own needs because it feels selfish.

• Experience overwhelming guilt about letting people down.

• Say yes all the time, even when we don’t want to.

• Agree with others or avoid speaking up just to keep the peace.

• Give away too much of our time to others and their needs.

• Take responsibility for other people’s feelings at the expense of our own.

Why Setting and Keeping Boundaries is Difficult

When we become parents, living with boundary issues and related consequences becomes even more difficult. After all, it's not just us anymore. Suddenly our minds, bodies, time, and energy aren’t our own. 

Second, sometimes we’re simply too exhausted to maintain our boundaries. And in that case, when we’re faced with a boundary violation, we might freeze up. We don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to respond to someone who’s overstepping our boundaries. 

Finally, we may not be used to responding in a way that honors our own boundaries. So, instead of speaking up, we don’t say anything at all. This opens the door for further disrespect, leaving us to suffer the consequences. 

Here’s the good news: When you practice setting and keeping your boundaries with others, you’ll get better and better at it. 

One way to practice is to curate a list of boundary-setting phrases to whip out in those extra tough moments. These short and sweet phrases can clearly communicate that you and your boundaries aren’t to be messed with! 

Let’s review some together.

18 Easy Phrases for Boundary Setting

When you disagree…

• I disagree with your approach.

• I’m not prepared to change my mind on this.

• That’s not been my experience.

• I’m confident in my decisions.

When you need a break…

• I don’t know off the top of my head. Let me get back to you.

• I’d like to take a break and come back to this after we’ve both had time to think.

• I’m feeling overwhelmed and it’s hard for me to focus on your feedback.

When you want to say no…

• I don’t have time for this. 

• That’s not going to work for us.

• That’s not up for discussion.

When you need to take control…

• Thank you for your concern about X. I’ve got it from here.

• I’m putting my needs first. 

• I don’t have to explain myself to you.

• My feelings are equally important as yours.

When you’re not quite sure what to say…

• What an odd thing to say.

• Why would you say that?

• Why would you ask me that?

• Do you think that’s appropriate?

But Aliyah was too stunned to speak. She had no idea what to say, so she said… nothing. She regretted not standing up for her boundaries and kept replaying that moment in her head, wishing she had come up with anything at all to say.

Setting and holding firm on our boundaries can feel like a full-time job. Especially when we’re met with boundary violators (the folks who seem to go out of their way to disrespect our boundaries.) In those moments, we may have a difficult time knowing how to respond in a way that honors our carefully-crafted boundaries. 

5 More Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundary-setting is important for our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Here are five more ways you can set and keep your boundaries with others. 

#1 Create a list of your values, needs, and desires. 

Sometimes we can’t hold our boundaries because we don’t actually know what they are. 

Take the time to create a list of your values, needs, and wants. Clarifying these parts of yourself can help you create boundaries that are easier to uphold, because you know exactly why you have them in the first place.

#2 Get space from boundary violators. 

If you’ve identified someone as a boundary violator, make some distance. Sometimes, emotional distance and temporary boundaries can protect your feelings and emotional energy. But in other cases, you may need actual physical distance. Removing yourself from hostile, abusive, or emotionally draining situations creates the separation needed to maintain your peace and wellbeing. 

#3 Challenge your thoughts in the moment!

When you ignore your boundaries, you’re really saying, “I’m not allowed to share my thoughts and feelings because they’re not as important as keeping the peace or maintaining someone else’s happiness.”

It’s important to catch this line of thinking–and really challenge it–in the moment. Remind yourself you’re important enough to maintain your own boundaries and create a happier, healthier you.

#4 Nourish yourself. 

It’s easier to remember how special, important, and down-right-worth-it you are when you feel good. Try these tips to start nourishing yourself in your daily life:

• Find a calm, fulfilling hobby.

• Develop a skincare routine you do every night.

• Develop better sleep habits.

• Eat delicious and wholesome foods.

• Drink plenty of water.

• Check in with your emotional state at least once a day.

• Find a no-pressure family activity to enjoy together.

• Spend time out of the house, totally alone, at least once a week.

• Find an exercise you like (or at least don’t absolutely hate).

#5 Get support.

Whether you reach out to a trusted friend or start seeing a therapist, getting the support you deserve can make a world of difference.

More Scripts for Tough Conversations

Holding a boundary in the moment can be tricky—especially if you’re conflict-averse. So, it can be really helpful to talk about your boundaries before you need to! 

That’s why I created Navigating Touchy Topics. 

Inside this free download, you’ll find 46 scripts you can use for hard heart-to-heart talks with your partner. I cover in-laws, division of labor, parenting and discipline, and connection and intimacy. I even give you tips for what to say if the conversation starts going south!
Download your free copy today.