Raising kids can be hard. 

We’re all just trying our best to keep our little ones healthy and reasonably happy. And while raising kind, independent, resilient kids is an undeniably worthy goal, the intentionally that requires can feel like… a lot.

And it’s not just that we’re overscheduled and overtired and overwhelmed, either.

It’s this: The complexities of parenting are often compounded by the patterns set by our parents. And by their parents. And their parents. For better and worse, parenting is often a generational endeavor.

For some of us, that’s great news. We have the opportunity to pass on a line of excellent parenting skills and strategies that will serve our kids and their families for generations. For others–most of us–there are things we’d rather not pass on to our littles. 

The good news is that we have the power to break negative generational cycles in our own families. Let’s talk about how. 

What are Generational Parenting Cycles?

Our families of origin–the families that we grew up with–impact us a lot throughout our lives. Especially in childhood. As our brains are developing we look to our families, most often our caregivers, to provide guidance on healthy behaviors, boundaries, and relationships. 

Sometimes we get what we need to become adaptive adults, rolling with life’s punches in healthy ways. Other times, the example set for us leads us down a path of dysfunction in some way. For instance: 

When Jenny cried as a kid, her parents sent her to her room. As an adult, she has a hard time sharing her emotions with other people.

Ania grew up in a very loud household, where communication was almost exclusively done by yelling, screaming, blaming, and shaming. She can’t seem to keep her cool, even in the most seemingly benign situations.

Janelle experienced abuse and neglect as a child. As a parent, she’s raising her kids in a safe and supportive home. But sometimes she just doesn’t know what to do because she never had a stellar example growing up.

Some of these parenting cycles can be so negative and pervasive they’re considered intergenerational trauma. These things can be even harder and more complex to address in our daily lives.

Needless to say, it’s important to break these unhealthy generational cycles for our own kids. That’s because a healthy and nurturing home environment is one of the biggest predictors of healthy, nurturing adults! 

A Quick Pep Talk

When we think about negative generational parenting cycles, we often get stuck on what we’re doing wrong. Then the cycle of shame and guilt begins. 

So, as you explore this process, please hear this: You’re doing the best you can with what you have right now. The cycles you’ve adapted from your parents don’t make you a bad parent or person. They make you human. 

And, every day is a new chance to challenge these cycles. You’re doing great. (Promise.)

7 Ways to Break Unhealthy Parenting Cycles

#1 Honor the process.

This is hard work. Perhaps the hardest work you’ll do in your entire life. Breaking habits and patterns–especially those ingrained in childhood–is a life-long process. Be patient with yourself. Focus on progress, not perfection. You can do this!

#2 Try a value-based approach.

The first step in breaking generational parenting cycles is to notice and name what they are! To start, try listing your core values as a parent. There are lots of value clarification exercises online to help this process. 

Then, make a list of all the parenting habits or cycles you have that do and don’t align with those values. This will help you identify what cycles you’d like to keep and what you can work on letting go of. 
This process could take several weeks. Slowly developing awareness over time is a necessary, admittedly frustrating, part of the process. When things feel hard, keep going. You’re moving in the right direction.

#3 Set excellent boundaries.

While we’d love for our relatives to welcome our choice to change these cycles with congratulations and open arms, that’s not always the case. And while it’s often still possible to maintain these relationships as you address unhealthy parenting cycles, you may need to be extra-attentive to your boundaries to maintain your and your family’s mental and physical safety.

#4 Seek external support.

External support might look like going to therapy. As we address our parents’ “failings,” we often go through a grieving process. We might begin to mourn the losses of a less-than-ideal childhood. This is a natural process that often benefits from the support of a trained professional. 

Therapy can also promote self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness. And by attending to yourself in this way, you’re modeling excellent self-care for your kiddos! (Which may be a generational cycle you’re trying to promote! It’s a win-win!)
External support might also look like taking a parenting class or two. Sometimes, we need a total reset. Or, we may not have gotten the information in the first place. (Motherhood doesn’t always come naturally, you know.) Taking parenting classes to unlearn how you were raised and discover the ways you want to take care of your kids can help to close some of these generational cycles.

#5 Get some kid-free time.

If your circumstances allow it, send your kid off to daycare or preschool. Experts say that sending a kid to preschool can help buffer the consequences of a high-stress environment. It can also give you some time away to catch your breath.

#6 Explore your discipline practices.

Most generational parenting cycles revolve around discipline. And while there’s no singular “right way” to parent, there are certainly practices that are more harmful than others. (If you’re reading this, it’s likely you experienced an out-of-proportion punishment or two.)

When appropriate discipline isn’t modeled for us, we may have a low tolerance for high-stress moments. Things like temper tantrums can be overwhelming and triggering. Then, we discipline hard because that’s the only thing we were exposed to as kids.

So take a tough look at your discipline practices. Are they really what you’d like them to be? Or are they just what you’ve always known? Have a chat with your partner and review these things together. No shame or judgment; just self-reflection!

#7 Always try again.

It’s never too late. Kids are resilient. Their brains change and adapt easily. Especially when we effectively repair. Keep in mind that every tough moment is a new opportunity to chip away at a generational parenting cycle.

You’ve got this!

Remember, this process is tough (to say the least). If you find yourself burning out, you’re not alone. And there’s help available!
Check out my course Overcoming Parental Burnout, an online resource to help you go from exhausted to supported.