“Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

Before kids, we answer that question with a whole list of details about our education, career, hobbies, goals, and even where we went on vacation last summer. 

After kids, though, we feel reduced to a single answer:

“I’m a mom.”

Don’t get me wrong. Becoming a mother can be an incredible, fulfilling, love-fueled journey. But, sometimes, we feel like just a mom. Like we’ve lost ourselves in this new phase of life. When we’re feeling brave, we might even admit, “I just don’t feel like myself anymore.” 

This “new person” has totally taken over. And that doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes, we long to return to our pre-baby selves. 

If this is you, please hear this: You’re not alone. You’re not broken. And you can work through this.

Matrescence 101

So much happens when we welcome our bundle of joy into the world. Our hormones are raging, our body is putting itself back together, our relationships shift, and more. These experiences are nearly universal, which prompted anthropologist Dana Raphael to coin the term matrescence. 

TL;DR: What you’re going through has a name. 

Matrescence describes the physical, psychological, and emotional changes that happen when we become mothers. 

Like its cousin, adolescence, matrescence is strongly connected to personal identity. As teenagers, our identities are shaped by how different we can be from our caregivers. As adults, our identities usually become tied to our occupations. 

But when we have babies, our work–the thing that gives our lives context, meaning, and motivation–shifts. Our new occupation is the all-day-every-day work of being a parent.

And this shift happens practically overnight. 

Because of the abruptness and severity of this shift to motherhood, you’re very likely to experience an identity crisis.

Identity crises are any increasing confusion or conflict about a specific role we have. 

We may have several identity crises throughout our lifetimes. In adolescence, we reshape our identities to be as different from our parents as possible, focusing instead on our peers and their opinions of us. In middle and late adulthood, we may experience intense identity shifts when changing careers or retiring completely. Finally, in late adulthood, the death of our partners or other family members can create identity confusion.

But what makes the motherhood identity transformation so different is the biological changes that happen in pregnancy and postpartum.

So, give yourself some grace through this process. You’re changing—literally from the inside out—in a matter of months. And that comes with serious growing pains. 

7 Ways to Define Yourself Outside Motherhood

We know nothing will be exactly the same again. Our little ones change us forever! But if you’re looking to get a little you back amid this transition, these tips can help.

#1 Reprioritize your to-do list.

It’s hard, right? Our to-do lists are never-ending. And, thanks to the invisible load we carry, it feels like the world is on our shoulders. 

But, to dig deep and find ourselves outside of our motherly duties, we must make time and space to accomplish this. We have to prioritize ourselves. 

So, the first step is to put ourselves first and our to-do lists second.

This week, try adding a you-focused task to the top of your list. Whether that’s a self-care activity or an appointment you’ve been putting off, take the time to prioritize your own needs before tackling the rest of your list.

#2 Say no.

Another way to prioritize yourself is to set excellent boundaries. As moms, we feel pressured to do it all. And that often comes at the expense of our mental health and well-being. 

So, instead of saying yes, say no. 

Hosting your in-laws for 10 days? Nope. 

A new craft every day of the week? Nu-uh.

That 3-year-old neighbor kid’s birthday party next Saturday? Nooooo.

Setting boundaries not only tells people, “I’m worth it,” but it also brings you more time, energy, and peace to explore yourself outside of your new role. (It also models excellent self-care for your kids. It’s a win-win-win!) 

Need some help sharing your boundaries? Learn 18 Boundary Phrases to Use IRL.

#3 Mourn the losses.

Letting go of your “former self” in exchange for a new identity as a mom might bring up a profound sense of loss. You might literally grieve the loss of your:

• Time

• Energy

• Independence

• Spontaneity

• Relationships

• Finances

• Career potential

• Confidence

• Expectations

To move through these feelings of loss and redefine yourself outside of motherhood, you have to mourn! 

Dr. Alan Wolfelt describes mourning as “grief gone public” or “the outward expression of grief” (Center for Loss & Life Transition, 2016). Finding a safe and validating place to mourn—cry, process, journal, pray, share—is necessary. Attending to this process makes way for hope and meaning amid a transition.

#4 Set simple goals.

Identity transformation and redefinition is a lofty and life-long goal. And these huge goals can often leave us paralyzed and unable to act. 

What’s the best first step? 

How many steps are there? 

When in the world will I have time for all this? 

Instead, try setting smaller goals that fit into the larger picture. For example, ask yourself, “What do I want to do this month that has nothing to do with my kids?” Then, make a step-by-step plan of how to achieve that goal. 

Let’s say you want to go to a concert next month. First, look up shows in the area. Then, buy the tickets. Next, secure a babysitter. Continue to set out these smaller stepping stones until you have a solid plan to achieve your goal. You can do it!

#5 Dig deeper into your relationships.

We’re social creatures. Maintaining strong, positive social bonds with our partners, families, and friends is non-negotiable.

But when we become mothers, our relationships shift to the back burner. Which makes sense, right? Especially in those early days, it’s hard to leave the house when you’re tied to a tiny human 24/7. 

But re-establishing those social connections can be vital to our identity exploration. It can remind us of things we like to do outside of engaging with our kids. It can help build external support for when times are extra tough. And it gives us that all-important adult-only stimulation.

 Try these tips to get started (without even leaving the house):

• Spend 15 minutes after the kids go to bed telling your partner about your day.

• Use one nap time a week to video chat with a friend.

• Invite a friend over for a laundry-folding party.

#6 Choose a new self-care practice. 

Self-care isn’t all shopping sprees and manicures. Enduring self-care is any sustainable, long-term activity we do to care for ourselves to remain well. 

That most often includes boring, maintenance-focused self-care activities like taking daily medications, making and keeping important doctor’s appointments, and setting excellent boundaries. 

But enduring self-care can also be fun! As long as it’s something you can commit to regularly and isn’t harmful (like that $1,000 impulse shopping spree), you can embrace it as a part of your self-care routine! Try something like: 

• Prioritizing a great sleep schedule. 

• Finding a new skincare routine.

• Joining a fun new exercise class.

• Engaging in a creative hobby.

• Learning a new skill.

#7 Bring back the joy.

Doing something you enjoy daily, weekly, or monthly can help you reclaim your identity outside of motherhood. But it’s hard to think of those joyful activities when your brain is fried and you’re exhausted. 

To find that joyful activity, start by brain-dumping a list of things you enjoyed when you had all the time, energy, and money in the world. What hobbies did you have as a kid? What filled your cup as a young adult? Don’t think, just write. 

Or, ask someone who knows you well! An outside perspective might help you unlock a talent or skill you once poured into that you can return to in your identity rediscovery.

Matrescence is hard. You’re not alone.

The transition to motherhood is unlike any other. That’s why in my online course, Keeping Mommy in Mind, I spend an entire module talking about it! You deserve to conquer this transition with joy and confidence. Check out my course here.

Sources & Further Reading

Center for Loss & Life Transition. (2016, May 19). Grief. Center for Loss & Life Transition. https://www.centerforloss.com/grief/.