I have an invitation for you. (And for me, too.)

As we approach January 1 this year, let’s not bury ourselves under the pressure of resolving to become a whole new person just because we’ve gone one more trip around the sun.

Don’t get me wrong: There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make some adjustments and using the new year as a helpful start date. But, for many people, resolutions aren’t as beneficial as we think. Instead, they’re just a chance to beat ourselves up for not following through and meeting our goals.
So this year, let’s think about intentions instead.

Resolutions v. Intentions

It might feel like semantics, but intentions differ from resolutions. Resolutions are just goals—static and set in the future. A goal is a specific, measurable outcome. Once we’ve achieved it, we check it off the to-do list and move on to the next goal.

Intentions, on the other hand, are ongoing, dynamic, and in the moment. They’re about how we’re being and how that can help us reach those static goals. Setting intentions helps empower us to decide not only what we want but also how we want to be! It stops the cycle of letting the days, weeks, and months just happen to us. Rather, we now get to decide the direction we want to go!
Here are some examples:

• Resolutions say, “I’m going to work out every day.” Intentions say, “I’m going to be more health-focused.” 

• Resolutions say, “I’m going to scroll my phone for only 30 minutes a day.” Intentions say, “I’m going to pay more attention to how social media affects my life.”

Tips for Setting Intentions

We’re so conditioned to focus on resolutions—goals—that it can be tough to land on more helpful intentions. These tips can help.

#1 Clarify your desire.

Most people stop at the physical thing they want as a result of setting their intention. But to truly set a dynamic intention, dig a little deeper for the feeling behind your wants.

For example, let’s say you want to clean your house more often. You say, “I want to be a better homemaker. I’m going to deep clean every Sunday.” But, when you dig deep down, what you really want is to feel less overwhelmed in your physical space. 

#2 Think about positive personality traits.

Goals are about doing or getting. Intentions are about being. 

Once you focus on who you need to be—the qualities you need to embody—doing what you need to do to achieve your goal becomes easier. Write down the personality traits you’d like to see as a result of your intention and make those a priority in your day-to-day life!

Example: I intend to view myself through a lens of self-love and compassion.

#3 State your intention in the positive.

Our mind doesn’t appreciate negatives like not, can’t, and won’t. So instead of saying, “I won’t spend so much time on my phone,” try an intention like, “I’ll connect with my friends off social media.” See (and feel) the difference?

Example: I intend to do more of what lights me up.

#4 Celebrate the wins and give grace for the “fails.”

You’re a human. We make mistakes and get off course. When you actively work alongside your intentions, celebrate it! You’re growing and making strides! When you get off track, have some self-compassion. Then, start again. You’ve got this!

9 Intentions for Moms this New Year

Intentions can be hard to set, especially if you’re used to old–fashioned resolutions. Here are nine ideas to get you started.

#1 Tackle mom guilt. 

Mom guilt can be crippling and causes us to should all over ourselves: 

• I should have made dinner tonight. 

• I should have read them a bedtime story. 

• I should have played with them more today.

• I should keep a cleaner home.

And the more we criticize ourselves, the quicker guilt turns to shame. While guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.” This distinction can have serious consequences for our mental and emotional health. 

Value-driven parenting is one way to tackle mom guilt and shame. Another way is to practice radical acceptance and self-compassion. This holiday season set an intention to be more self-compassionate. Allow yourself to stumble and fall without judgment. Then, get back up and try again.

Example: I intend to be kinder to myself. 

#2 Be grateful.

Gratitude is the practice of recognizing the good in our lives, even if these things seem small and mundane. And a growing body of research suggests that practicing gratitude can change our brains and make us happier, healthier people. 

While it takes time to fully experience the positive effects, practicing gratitude may affect our prefrontal cortexes. This area of the brain is responsible for learning and decision-making, so the more gratitude we practice, the more sensitive we may become to gratitude in the future. 

Basically, the more grateful we are, the more we can think positively and be grateful for our circumstances. We’re essentially training our brains to think on the bright side!

Example: I intend to focus more on the positive things in my life.

Note: There’s a difference between gratitude and toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is the practice of ignoring the bad or hard things in our lives and attempting to always make light of a challenging situation. Sometimes, we have to sit in the hard stuff and fully experience that to move on toward gratitude. A healthy balance of both–recognizing the hard things while being grateful for the good stuff–is key.

#3 Set excellent boundaries. 

Boundaries are where we end and others begin. It’s the fence we build around our physical, emotional, and spiritual space. Boundaries allow us to serve as a gatekeeper—deciding who can come in, who can’t, and under what circumstances. 

Parenthood tests our boundaries big time. From overbearing in-laws to strangers with inappropriate advice to infinite information on Dr. Google, we’re constantly exposed to situations that push on our proverbial fences. Which makes setting and keeping healthy boundaries all the more important!

The first step in setting clear and healthy boundaries is to assess our values. Values are the fundamental, foundational bricks on which we build a meaningful life. They include things like work ethic, friendship, recognition from peers, leisure, charity, and more. 

Our boundaries are built on these things–what we find worthwhile and want to protect from outside influences. So clarifying those values first can make holding our boundaries easier. 

Example: I intend to act based on my values. 

#4 Embrace the “good enough.”

Instead of attempting to be the perfect mom, embrace what’s good enough. 

The Good Enough Mother, coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is an approach to parenting that involves being sensitive, responsive, and adaptive to our children’s needs and developmental abilities while also recognizing our limitations as human beings. It stands in direct contrast to the perfect parent, affirming that we can’t be everything all the time. And that’s more than OK!
By embracing a Good Enough Mother Mentality, we can tackle social comparison and prevent parental burnout. We can leave perfectionism at the door and allow ourselves just to be human. 

Example:  I intend to embrace my flaws and practice self-compassion.

#5 Be kind to your body. 

If you’re like most women, you struggle with body image. Body image isn’t just how we look or believe we appear. It’s also about the experience of being in our bodies—how we think and feel about ourselves and what we do with that information. 

Research shows 13-40% of women experience some level of bodily dissatisfaction. And with that comes a lot of other effects, like:

• Social anxiety

• Depressive symptoms

• Disordered eating

• Self-doubt

• Overwhelm

• Self-criticism

• Isolation or withdrawal from social activities

• Poor coping skills

• Poor sexual intimacy

One way to practice kindness toward your body is to tune into your self-talk. The way you talk to yourself has a significant impact on how you feel about yourself. If your inner dialogue criticizes you all day, it’s nearly impossible to feel good about yourself!

But going from “I hate my body,” to “Look at how beautiful and powerful I am!” is hard. Instead, take small steps to improve your self-talk. Try neutralizing your thoughts first. Instead of, “My body is disgusting,” try a more neutral statement like, “I’m uncomfortable in my body.” These small shifts can start you on a path to healing your relationship with your body. 

Example: I intend to pay more attention to how I talk about my body. 

#7 Play more!

Because of all that invisible labor, moms are often left to be the default parent. We take on most of the household and parenting responsibilities while our partner just gets to be fun. 

And while the experience of being the default parent is very real and time-consuming, we sometimes default to our to-do lists more often than we need to. 

We’re usually so caught up in maintaining order and structure in our lives that we miss the chance to play and be present with our kids as they enjoy the world! Sometimes we really do need to address our grown-up responsibilities. But other times, we can be kids with our kids. 

Intend to lean into fun and embrace the joy children model for us.

Example: I intend to put my to-do list second.

The invisible load of motherhood describes the unnoticed and uncompensated physical, mental, and emotional labor completed behind the scenes to keep our households happy, healthy, and running smoothly. 

The unequal division of labor between partners–with that load disproportionately falling on moms–can sometimes be so severe we feel like we’re parenting our partners. 

The #1 place to start the redistribution of labor? Have the conversation. 

It can be tough to bring these things to your partner’s attention. You might think, “It’s just easier if I do it myself,” or, “I don’t want to deal with their reaction to my asking for help.”

But having this conversation is an essential exercise in boundary setting. By having “the talk” about your invisible labor, you’re telling yourself and your partner, “I need and deserve support. I’m worth it!”

Example: I intend to ask for what I need. 

#8 Practice enduring self-care. 

Self-care is a cultural buzzword. And while most of the time we think of temporary self-care–like bubble baths, shopping sprees, or movie nights–we need to shift our focus to enduring self-care. 

Enduring self-care is the practice of turning inward and evaluating what we need for long-term wellness and success. Setting boundaries, weekly date nights, a financial savings plan, and taking daily medications are all ways we can practice this long-term, sustainable self-care.

Example: I intend to make time for myself.

#9 Get the support you deserve. 

Sometimes we need a little extra support. Finding a therapist might be the next step you need to take on your motherhood journey! And while finding a provider might seem daunting, these tips can help make the process a little easier. 

To start looking for a therapist:

• Consult your insurance plan to find providers in your area. 

• Ask someone you trust for a recommendation.

• Use a reliable online database, like Postpartum Support International’s directory. 

• Explore local resources through your job or church.

• Google “therapist near me” or “help for [your concern] near me.”

Example: I intend to put myself first.

Happy New Year!

Setting these intentions for yourself can take some serious self-reflection. But taking this time and engaging in this exercise can set you up for success in the new year and beyond. 

Looking for more? Check out @psychedmommy on Instagram for more mom-centric content!

Sources

Brown, J. J., & Wong, J. J. (2017, June 6). How gratitude changes you and your brain. Greater Good Magazine. Retrieved November 11, 2022, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_changes_you_and_your_brain