Shelby pushes things off until the last minute.

Jamia doom-scrolls for hours.

Hunter has a couple extra glasses of wine most nights.

All of these folks are using avoidance coping. And it’s probably making things worse.

Coping 101

Coping skills are anything we do to manage our emotions in the moment. Most of us have a mix of adaptive (healthy) and maladaptive (not as healthy) coping skills. 

Adaptive coping skills support our overall wellness and help us move through tough situations without experiencing negative consequences on the other side. Getting good sleep, taking medications, practicing mindfulness, or exercising are all examples of adaptive coping.

Maladaptive coping skills feel really good in the moment–like isolating or distracting ourselves. Ultimately, though, they don’t help us manage our feelings in a healthy way. 

One of the most common maladaptive coping skills is avoidance. 

Avoidance coping happens when we do anything to avoid thinking about, feeling, or doing something difficult. We use other things in our lives to avoid a deeper issue: screens, substances, procrastination, denial, toxic positivity. This can be a conscious or subconscious decision. So, you might not even realize when it’s happening!

Avoidance Coping and Stress

Whereas active coping gathers and uses resources, skills, and supports to directly confront a problem, avoidant coping is generally defined by avoiding, denying, or escaping a stressor.

Stressors can look different for each person. People often use avoidance coping when confronted by:

• Actions and places that trigger painful memories or emotions.

• Feeling awkward.

• Tasks they don’t know how to finish.

• The potential for someone to be mad or disappointed with them.

• Unwanted attention—either positive or negative.

It’s human nature to want to avoid pain or discomfort. In this way, avoidance coping seems adaptive. A great way to be less stressed is to just avoid the stress, right? But, at the end of the day, we need to learn how to manage our stress. Because we can’t always avoid it. 

Avoidance coping often also makes the problem worse in the long term. It can actually increase our stress over time. Procrastination is an excellent example – 

Kenyetta avoids her big project at work because she’s afraid it will be too hard. She feels like she won’t live up to her boss’s expectations. But, as her timeline shortens, she becomes more stressed about her ability to complete the project. She’s tried to stop thinking about it, but now she’ll continue to feel stressed until it gets done. Her project ultimately falls short because she waited too long to start

In this way, the old adage “What you resist, persists,” is true! Avoidance coping ultimately creates situations where we need to face a stressor that’s worse now than it would have been if we faced it head-on in the beginning. 

For example:

Jemma is at her wits end. Her husband works outside the home and constantly talks about how he works harder than she does. She feels under-appreciated and taken advantage of. But she feels like expressing her discontent would start a fight. So, she avoids the conversation. Over time, though, she begins to resent her partner. Now, they barely talk to avoid getting into an argument. Their relationship is suffering.

These examples show how avoidance coping doesn’t really help to solve or address the problem at hand. And, as these problems persist, we start to become more anxious, depressed, and self-conscious. 

So, let’s do something about our avoidance.

7 Ways to Tackle Avoidance Coping

#1 Recognize when it’s happening.

Remember, some avoidance coping might happen subconsciously. Especially if it's something you’ve been doing for a long time, you might default to this habit without realizing it! Identifying avoidance coping as it’s happening can help you stop in your tracks and choose a different path. It can also help you figure out what situations trigger this response, so you can gain more insight into the situation.#2 Fill the gaps.

Everyone starts somewhere. And everyone has something to learn. To build your confidence, fill the gaps in knowledge you may have. 

Never changed a diaper? Find a YouTube video! Need ideas of how to calm a fussy baby? Take a parenting course! Interested in baby-led weaning? Read up on what the experts have to say!

Even seasoned parents can use a refresher! No shame or judgment necessary

#2 Be patient with yourself.

Changing your go-to coping skills won’t happen overnight. Forming new habits takes time. So, be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself. You’re taking big steps to create a happier, healthier you! Honor your progress as it’s happening, even if it feels slow. Remember, this is hard work. And often it feels like things are getting worse before they get better. You can do this!

#3 Focus on what you can control.

We often avoid stressors because we feel helpless to address them. In those moments, it’s important to take a breath and focus on what you can control about the situation. This will help things seem more manageable. Start by making a list of steps you need to solve the problem.

#4 Explore new coping options.

Classic techniques like journaling, reframing, and moving your body are excellent ways to get started on a different path. Experiment a bit to see what works for you!

#5 Try mindfulness.

One reason we use avoidance coping is because we can’t tolerate uncomfortable feelings. Learning to sit with the yuck is an excellent way to build your active-coping arsenal. Mindfulness activities–the evidence-based practice of noticing and naming your thoughts and feelings without judgment–allow us to experience those negative emotions while letting them pass by without dwelling on them. 

The Headspace app offers a ton of guided meditations to try, and you can get started with a free 14-day trial.

#6 Bridge gaps in communication and problem-solving skills

Sometimes we avoid stressors because we don’t know how to solve the problem or talk with someone about a difficult subject. We could all use a little extra help in the communication and problem-solving department. So, bridge those gaps! Do some research on what you can do to boost your skills. Then, practice, practice, practice. Progress not perfection. 

My free resource, Navigating Touchy Topics, is a great place to start.

#7 Talk with a pro.

Therapists are experts at helping you identify and replace harmful coping skills. They can also help you develop new strategies to effectively solve problems. To find a therapist who specializes in postpartum experiences, visit Postpartum Support International’s directory.

Manage your worry.

Avoidance coping and anxiety often go hand-in-hand. If you struggle with worry, too, I have a course for you! Check out my free masterclass: 5-Step Method to Reduce Worry.

Sources and Further Reading

Holahan, C. J., Moos, R. H., Holahan, C. K., Brennan, P. L., & Schutte, K. K. (2005). Stress generation, avoidance coping, and depressive symptoms: a 10-year model. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 73(4), 658–666. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.73.4.658