10 Ways to Build Healthier Boundaries
Imagine your dream home. Whether it’s a mountain-view cabin, beachside bungalow, or totally rad treehouse, it’s always spotless and smells like freshly baked cookies. Now head outside, take a deep breath, and look around. Notice that bordering your property is a white picket fence.
This fence represents your boundaries.
Boundaries are where you end and others begin. They’re the fence you build around your physical, emotional, and spiritual space. They allow you to serve as your own gatekeeper—to decide who can come in, who can’t, and under what circumstances.
Fencebuilding
We begin to form our boundaries pretty early on by watching how our parents build their own fences and how they respond to others’.
If your parents’ boundaries were overly porous or ultra-rigid, you might struggle with your own boundaries in adulthood. You might have some holes in your fence or places that are easy to jump over. Maybe you leave your gate open, not sure how to keep anything and everything from coming into your space. Or, at the other extreme, your fence might be so tall it’s practically unscalable.
As adults, minor and occasional boundary breaches typically aren’t that big of a deal. For example, every now and then, we might use a little white lie to decline a social gathering because we don’t feel we can simply say, “No, I don’t want to.”
But over time, a lack of healthy boundaries can show up in big ways:
Feeling burned out or taken advantage of.
Avoiding self-care because it feels selfish.
Experiencing overwhelming guilt about letting people down.
Saying yes all the time, even when we don’t want to.
Agreeing with others or avoiding speaking up just to keep the peace.
Giving away too much of our time to others and their needs.
Taking responsibility for others’ feelings at the expense of our own.
Boundaries and Parenthood
We feel the effects of boundary issues throughout life, but pregnancy and postpartum are a time of significant vulnerability.
When we become parents, it’s not just us anymore. Suddenly we’re sharing even more of our minds, bodies, time, and energy with others. Also, motherhood helps to clarify our personal values, bringing to light boundary violations that conflict with them. We start to recognize our non-negotiables, and that puts us on the spot; whatever feels uncomfortable, we’re forced to face head on.
Which, of course, is easier said than done. We fear being perceived as rude or selfish. We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. And let’s be honest: Sometimes we’re simply too exhausted to maintain our boundaries.
But here’s the truth: Boundaries are worth the effort. They aren’t disrespectful, rude, selfish, or alienating. Healthy boundaries are a necessary act of self-love. When you have them in place, they bring you and your relationships more peace. And you deserve more peace.
How to Improve Your Boundaries in Everyday Life
#1 Create a list of your values, needs, and desires.
Sometimes we can’t hold our boundaries because we don’t actually know what they are. So take the time to create a list of your values, needs, and wants. Clarifying these parts of yourself can help you create boundaries that are easier to uphold—because you know exactly why you have them in the first place.
#2 Identify the boundary violators in your life and create some distance.
A boundary violator might be someone who:
Demands your time or forces their plans on you.
Pushes back or lays on the guilt when you say no.
Makes comments about or goes against your parenting decisions.
Tries to talk you out of your boundaries or tells you you’re overreacting.
After you’ve identified these folks in your life, create some distance.
Sometimes, you can get emotional distance by setting temporary boundaries to protect your feelings and energy. Simply telling someone, “I’m not emotionally ready to talk about that,” can give you the separation you need.
But in some cases, you may need some physical distance. Removing yourself from hostile, abusive, or emotionally draining situations creates the separation needed to maintain your peace and wellbeing.
Getting distance to clarify and practice setting your boundaries can prepare you to come back to the relationship—if that’s what you’d like and what’s safe for you—with confidence.
#3 Challenge your thoughts in the moment.
Let’s say your mother-in-law brings over another toy your kid doesn’t need and you just don’t have space for. You desperately want to say, “Please stop buying them toys,” but that might come across as ungrateful or rude and lead to an argument you feel just isn’t worth it.
But when you ignore your boundaries, you’re really saying, “I’m not allowed to share my thoughts and feelings because they’re not as important as keeping the peace or maintaining someone else’s happiness.”
When you find yourself having these thoughts, stop and ask yourself two questions:
Do I know this will upset them or disrupt the peace? (Possibly not.)
Is this person more important than I am? (Absolutely not.)
Taking the time to recognize and challenge your thoughts in the moment takes a lot of practice. But reminding yourself you’re important enough to maintain your own boundaries creates a happier, healthier you.
#4 Make some choices without seeking input from others.
Ever find yourself saying, “Whatever you want!” even when you have a really strong opinion in the moment? Maybe you do that to keep the peace. Maybe you think others’ preferences are more important than our own.
Practice taking back some power by making choices—especially small and seemingly meaningless ones—without input or nudging from others.
#5 Say no often, and yes only when you really mean it.
Saying no can feel selfish and disrespectful—often because we feel less important than the other person. (Are you noticing a trend here?)
But you don’t have to say yes to everything. You’re allowed to say no and give zero justification. Don’t want to go to a party, eat at that restaurant, buy those curtains, spend your only downtime helping someone else? Then don’t!
To get some practice, turn your no into a need. For example, the next time your dad wants to pop in for a visit, try saying, “I’m going to have to say no to visitors right now. I need time to rest and connect with my family.”
When you give honest reasons why you’re saying no, and connect them to your personal needs, it’s easier for you to hold your boundaries and for others to respect them.
#6 Nourish yourself.
It’s easier to remember how special, important, and downright worth-it you are when you feel good. So try these tips to start nourishing yourself in your daily life:
Find a calm, fulfilling hobby.
Develop a skincare routine you do every night.
Eat delicious and wholesome foods.
Drink plenty of water.
Check in with your emotional state at least once a day.
Find a no-pressure family activity to enjoy together.
Spend time out of the house, totally alone, at least once a week.
Find an exercise you like (or at least don’t absolutely hate).
#7 Find support people.
“It takes a village” isn’t just for your kids. Having non-judgmental, supportive people to call on when times are tough is essential to maintaining your boundaries. They can give you an alternate perspective and encourage you if you feel defeated. They can also act as an accountability partner, gently reminding you of your boundaries and why you’ve set them. Think about a partner, friend, church group, neighbor... anyone who fills your cup.
#8 Think of your child.
When you don’t have healthy boundaries, you may feel like prioritizing your needs is selfish and wrong. It can be heard to make changes that seemingly only benefit you. If that feels familiar, it might help to consider the impact your healthy boundaries will have on your children.
The hard work you do to stop generational cycles of unhealthy boundaries gives your kids the opportunity for better, healthier relationships with themselves and others. Modeling healthy boundaries benefits your whole family both now and in the long-term.
Practice saying no in front of your kids.
Respect your kids’ no when it’s safe and appropriate.
Teach them bodily autonomy, allowing your children to choose whom to hug or kiss.
Carefully discuss your own life conflicts with your kids, making sure they know they’re not responsible for your feelings.
#9 Stick to it.
When you don’t have strong, healthy boundaries—your fence is too short or your gate is always wide open—it’s usually easier to just retreat when someone pushes back. But honoring your own boundaries gives you practice in building, verbalizing, and keeping them and lets other people know you’re serious about them. As the saying goes, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”
#10 Seek help from a professional.
Boundaries are deeply personal and can be formed or changed by underlying concerns like existing anxiety, depression, or trauma. Therapists can help you explore your boundaries’ origins and practice boundary-setting skills for your everyday life. Find a therapist in your area.
You are not alone.
We all struggle with boundaries, especially as we enter motherhood. That’s why I created the workshop, Boundaries: Setting Limits. In this workshop you’ll learn how to:
Define boundaries
Self-assess your own boundaries
Avoid common boundary mistakes
Use scripts to hold your boundaries
Understand which boundaries are negotiable vs. non-negotiable
Deal with boundary violators
And so much more!