Some days, it seems like we can’t do anything right. 

Never wake a sleeping baby... but make sure they don’t nap more than two hours at a time. 

Always pick up your baby when they’re crying… but teach them how to self-soothe. 

Nourish yourself and your relationship with your partner… but remember it’s not about you anymore.

It feels like we can’t win, doesn’t it?  And when we inevitably fail at trying to do all the things all the time, we feel guilty.

Unlike the guilt we might feel when we go wildly over budget at Target or when we tell a little fib to get out of a party invitation, mom guilt is crippling. We feel trapped by this invisible force holding us hostage for every choice we make. Then we go from 0 to 100—guilt to shame—in seconds.

You deserve joy and confidence in motherhood. So let’s unpack mom guilt and shame together.

Guilt v. Shame

Guilt and shame are often used together or interchangeably. They are, however, two completely different emotions with their own purposes and consequences.

Guilt: “I did something wrong.”

Healthy guilt is a feeling of psychological discomfort after we do something objectively wrong, even if we didn’t mean to. 

Ever accidentally smacked your kid’s head on a door frame? You feel instantly guilty because you objectively did something wrong—hurt your kiddo—even though it was an accident.

This kind of guilt is adaptive. It can act as a motivator to move us closer to our goals. It nudges us to pivot our actions, helping us go in another direction. Because you felt guilty when their little head met the door frame, you’ll probably go through them a little more carefully in the future.

Unhealthy guilt is the feeling we get about something we’ve done that goes against our own subjective—often unrealistically high—standards. 

Imagine walking into your home and it’s an absolute mess. Toys everywhere, a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, and so much laundry you can’t tell what’s clean and what needs a wash. You think to yourself, “I’m doing something wrong by not keeping my house clean.”

Instead of pushing you toward different behaviors and habits, this unhealthy guilt leads to self-punishment and criticism. We dwell on our “failures,” and ultimately begin to feel shameful. “I’m doing something bad” becomes “I am bad.”

Shame: “There’s something wrong with me.”

Shame implies we’re defective and totally disconnected from our ideal selves. Instead of being motivated to change, we’re pushed to run, hide, and withdraw from others, so we don’t alert them to our failures.

We begin to believe that we’re not worthy of love and belonging. And because shame tells us we’re fundamentally defective, we feel powerless, hopeless, and helpless to change anything about our situation.

 

Addressing the Shoulds

Both unhealthy guilt and shame are rooted in what we think we should be doing. And because should is often tied to an unreasonable, unrealistic, super-high, ever-changing standard, we easily trade our self-esteem for overwhelming anxiety.

In healthy guilt, should is based in objective morality. We should do what’s right and avoid what’s wrong. But in unhealthy guilt and shame, the yardstick by which we’re measuring every action or decision is often delivered to us by other people’s expectations and realities.

The Pressure to be a “Good” Mom

As moms, we receive all sorts of messages about what it means to be good. From asked-and-answered advice from our own parents to unsolicited comments from strangers in the grocery store, everyone has an opinion on how we should parent. 

Some of the most damaging shoulds come from our social media feeds. That’s often because we see everything we’re not—supermoms juggling responsibilities with grace, market-ready homes, well-behaved children, and ideal careers. We see that it can be done, so we feel compelled to achieve it all, too. 

But we fail to realize we’re only seeing highlight reels. We believe what other moms have posted all over Instagram is their whole lives. And when we start to compare their “whole lives” to our own, those other moms become the standard and expectation for how we’re supposed to be doing things. They define what a good mom (as opposed to a “good enough” mom) should look like.

Value-Driven Parenting

Here’s the problem with using other people to define our own successful parenting practices: Their yardstick is measuring a completely different life with a completely different set of values.

Parenting is inherently value-driven. Values are the fundamental, foundational bricks on which we build a meaningful life. They include things like work ethic, friendship, recognition from peers, leisure, charity, and more. 

We know we’re living our ideal lives when our actions are consistent with our values. And these values, and how we prioritize them, are totally different from person to person.

Mom A’s #1 value in parenting is appreciating nature. To her, the epitome of good motherhood is getting out outside at least twice a day and cooking all organic, grass-fed, 100%-on-the-up-and-up groceries.

Mom B values creativity. She prioritizes allowing her kids to explore music, art, writing, and storytelling every day.

Mom C’s child-rearing is rooted in the value of justice. Her bar for good motherhood is raising conscientious, equality-minded kids regardless of how many dino-shaped chicken nuggets they’ve had this week.

If Mom C compares her life to Mom A, who’s living according to her own unique values, Mom C is going to feel guilty and shameful for “failing” at an expectation she doesn’t actually even hold for herself. The same holds true for the other two moms… and for you… and for me.

The Secret to Managing Mom Guilt and Shame

To get relief from mom guilt, clarify your own values and parent accordingly. When you have well-identified and defined values, you can better reflect on any conflicting expectations or decisions. 

For example, you may often have to choose between doing the dishes and playing with your kids. You’ve clarified your values, and family connection ranks higher than cleanliness. Obviously, due to the realities of everyday life, sometimes you have to choose the dishes. But, when you don’t, you don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed! You’re choosing to spend those 30 minutes with your kids, which is more aligned with your values.

There are lots of value clarification exercises online, like The Bullseye or this one from Carnegie Mellon University. Or, if you’re working with a therapist, they can explore your value system with you in other ways. Try out a couple of methods to see which is most useful for you. Then write down your values, and keep them in an easily accessible place so you can refer to them as needed. 

Making the Most of Value-Driven Parenting

Once you’ve clarified your values, you can start using them to make decisions and to tackle mom guilt and shame. Here are three tips to help: 

#1 Filter your information and newsfeeds. 

Think of all the parenting advice and expectations thrust upon you like a buffet. You probably wouldn’t consume every item available, and you definitely wouldn’t plate your food according to what someone else wants to eat. Pick and choose your sources, whom to follow on Facebook or Instagram, and what you choose to implement in your life based on your own values.

#2 Don’t forget yourself! 

A lot of mom guilt centers around taking care of ourselves, from going out on the occasional kid-free shopping trip to showering alone. Value-driven parenting isn’t a zero-sum game. Taking care of yourself doesn’t decrease the amount you take care of your kids. It actually improves your parenting abilities. Don’t forget to extend your values to yourself, too.

#3 Stop the judgments. 

We get so caught up in how we feel about discipline, sleeping, nutrition, everything that we forget we’re all trying to navigate this journey the best we can. The values by which you choose to parent aren’t inherently better or worse than anyone else’s. Remember you’re the best mom for your kids, and she’s the best mom for hers!

 

When Guilt’s Got You Down

It’s really hard to stop comparing ourselves to other people. Guilt and shame are probably going to rear their ugly heads even with our best efforts. And that’s OK. Remember, holding onto the shoulds is unrealistic and ultimately breeds more guilt and shame. Be kind to yourself!

 

Want to learn more? Follow @psychedmommy on Instagram and check out my workshop Surviving Mom Guilt here. See you soon!

Sources

Brown, B. (2013, January 14). shame v. guilt. Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/blog/2013/01/14/shame-v-guilt/. 

Brown, J. (2018, January 4). Is social media bad for you? The evidence and the unknowns. BBC Future. https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180104-is-social-media-bad-for-you-the-evidence-and-the-unknowns. 

Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2018). Reconsidering the Differences Between Shame and Guilt. Europe's journal of psychology, 14(3), 710–733. https://doi.org/10.5964/ejop.v14i3.1564 

National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. (n.d.). Guilt vs. shame [Infographic]. Nicabm.com. https://www.nicabm.com/guilt-vs-shame/ 

Padoa, T., Berle, D., & Roberts, L. (2018). Comparative social media use and the mental health of mothers with high levels of perfectionism. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 37(7), 514–535. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2018.37.7.514 

Selva, J. (2021, May 28). Values Clarification: How Reflection On Core Values Is Used In CBT. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/values-clarification/.