You wake up already in a bad mood as you anticipate the inevitably stressful, frustrating, and draining tasks ahead of you. You roll through the day, almost numb, totally distant and distracted. There are only two things that snap you back into reality: your pounding, near-daily headache and the rage triggered by any slight inconvenience.

You’re totally burned out.

What’s parental burnout?

When most people hear burnout, we picture overworked corporate employees, understaffed healthcare workers, or underpaid helping professionals. But burnout isn’t just for workplace scenarios outside the home. It applies to our 24/7/365 jobs as parents, too.

Parental burnout is the combination of overwhelming exhaustion, emotional distancing, and a sense of ineffectiveness as a parent that results from chronic parenting stress (Mikolajczak, Raes, Avalosse, & Roskam, 2017). You might also experience:

• A consistent bad mood.

• Inability to control emotions.

• Feeling “touched out.”

• Difficulty thinking clearly.

• Loss of pleasure in parenting.

• Numbing with addictive behaviors.

• Declining physical health.

• Quickness to anger.

• Forgetting or avoiding important appointments.

 

In later stages, parental burnout can take even scarier forms, like sleep disorders, chronic physical health problems, increased alcohol consumption, suicidal thoughts, marital conflicts, and child abuse and neglect.

 

If you’re thinking of hurting yourself or someone else, check out these resources, call 911, or go to your nearest emergency room. 

Why do we burn out?

As moms, we’re trying to navigate the physical, emotional, psychological, and relational changes that come with matrescence while raising a tiny human all at the same time.

We’re even more vulnerable to parental burnout if we:

• Experience little to no support from our co-parent, family, or friends.

• Have a job in addition to parenting.

• Have a child with a disability or medical complications.

• Are financially strained.

• Display a history of self-doubt, depression, anxiety, or perfectionism.

• Have difficulty asking for help.

 

Most of us will experience one or more of these things over the course of our parenting journey. As these issues continue and grow, however, our coping skills may not be enough. What helped us in the past might be ineffective now that we’re in a new stage of life.

Five Tips to Tackle Parental Burnout

Hear this: If you’re feeling fried, you’re not alone or broken. You need—and deserve—support. Reminding yourself of that truth is a crucial first step toward feeling like yourself again. 

#1 Address your perfectionism.

We know perfection is unattainable, but we keep going for it anyway. And when we’re constantly reaching for an impossible, ever-changing bar, we start to burn out. 

Exploring your perfectionism—what its roots, purpose, and meaning are in your life—can help you let go of your unrealistic standards. And when you do that, you can begin to embrace your unique abilities, strengths, and talents in the present moment.

Addressing perfectionism can also look like embracing a Good Enough Mother mentality. The Good Enough Mother, coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is an approach to parenting that stands in direct contrast to the perfect parent. It recognizes that we can’t be everything all the time—and that’s more than OK.

#2 Discuss expectations with your partner.

Parental burnout is often the result of unequal contributions to the physical, mental, and emotional invisible load of motherhood. Working with your partner to distribute some of that labor can both increase your at-home support and allow you to get some breathing room.

Consider tasks such as dishes, laundry, cleaning, night feedings, making and keeping doctor’s appointments, shopping, cooking, bottle washing, and helping other kids with schoolwork. Try listing out everything you do in a day and bringing that list to your partner. 

You could start the conversation by saying something like: 

I’m feeling really overwhelmed by how much is on my plate from day to day. I’m starting to get burned out. I need help with some of the household chores and kid care. Can we talk about this list and see what I can let go of?

#3 Embrace self-compassion.

What would you say to a friend who’s experiencing parental burnout? You would probably make allowances, show grace, and offer support. You deserve that same kindness.

Instead, if you’re like many moms, you beat yourself up, set your expectations too high, and get caught in a spiral of self-criticism. 

And let’s be clear: Self-criticism is bad for our mental and physical health. Emotionally, negative self-talk makes us feel ineffective, alone, weak, undeserving, and broken. Physically, it triggers an increase in the stress hormone cortisol, taking a huge toll on our bodies.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, triggers a totally different system. It increases the feel-good hormone oxytocin and can increase our self-esteem. Self-compassion reminds us that we deserve kindness, we’re not alone in our struggles, and we should be present in the moment without judgment.

 

To start embracing this new mindset, try changing how you talk to yourself:

Burnout says, “I’m not the mom I should be.”

Self-compassion says, “I’m trying my hardest.”

Burnout says, “I’m going to screw up my kids. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Self-compassion says, “It’s OK to feel unsure. I’m new at this parenthood thing.”

 

For more on self-compassion, check out this book by Dr. Kristen Neff.

#4 Increase leisure time.

You just rolled your eyes, right? With our never-ending to-do lists and the constant demands of our very cute, and very exhausting, children, it’s easy to just push through.

But research shows breaks are more than necessary. 

A 2003 study monitored a large engineering company and found that regular breaks decreased the risk of job-related accidents. Engineers are important, right? As parents caring for other human beings around the clock, we’re also important.

So, what does a break or leisure time really look like? Bubble baths, spa days, and weekend getaways probably won’t hurt. The key, though, is to get back to basics. Self-care isn’t just about doing. It’s also about setting boundaries with people and our time. It’s about reminding ourselves that we’re important, too. 

Here are some ways to take a break:

• Sit outside for 10 minutes.

• Say yes to things that interest you.

• Say no to things you don’t want to do.

• Eat nourishing food.

• Call a friend once a week.

• Listen to music.

• Go to bed early.

• Stretch regularly.

• Watch something funny.

#5 Identify your external supports.

A lot changes within our relationships when we become moms. Our close friends may become more like acquaintances, lacking the authentic connection we need as women (Ziegler, 2018).

We need to challenge ourselves to nurture our friendships, even if we don’t feel like it. We need to catch up, connect, and invite. We need to get to know the parents of our kids’ friends. We need to invite people into our solo activities every now and then. We need to get to know our neighbors.

These external supports can be vital to our internal wellbeing. Getting out of our comfort zones to grow these relationships is a great step against burnout. 

You’re not alone.

So many parents, from first-time moms to veteran minivan owners, experience these issues. That's why I created the Parental Burnout Workshop. Together we will uncover subtle signs of burnout creeping into your life, and we'll develop a science-backed plan to better equip you when life gets stressful. Start here.

Sources

First Five Years. (2020, March 2). Coping with parental burnout and stress. First Five Years. https://www.firstfiveyears.org.au/lifestyle/coping-with-parental-burnout-and-stress. 

Leigh, B. (2016, May 25). The 'Good Enough' Parent. Centre for Perinatal Psychology. https://www.centreforperinatalpsychology.com.au/good-enough-parent/#:~:text=Winnicott%2C%20a%20paediatrician%20and%20child,position%2C%20tolerating%20frustration%20and%20waiting%2C. 

Mikolajczak, M., Raes, M.-E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2017). Exhausted Parents: Sociodemographic, Child-Related, Parent-Related, Parenting and Family-Functioning Correlates of Parental Burnout. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27(2), 602–614. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0892-4 

Mikolajczak, M., & Roskam, I. (2018). A Theoretical and Clinical Framework for Parental Burnout: The Balance Between Risks and Resources (BR2). Frontiers in Psychology, 9. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00886 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (n.d.). Help Yourself. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/. 

Naumburg, C. (2018, March 14). The Gift of the Good Enough Mother. Seleni. https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/14/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother. 

Neff, K. (2013). Self compassion. London: Hodder & Stoughton. 

Tucker, P., Folkard, S., & Macdonald, I. (2003). Rest breaks and accident risk. The Lancet, 361(9358), 680. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0140-6736(03)12566-4 

Ziegler, S. (2018). Mommy burnout: how to reclaim your life and raise healthier children in the process. New York: Dey Street Books.