The Mental Load of Parenting Your Partner
Babe, what’s for dinner?
Honey, where are the Band-Aids?
Sweetheart, can she go to the park?
Being the default parent—running the household and everyone in it—is hard. It’s tough to manage all our people under one functioning roof. Especially when the other parent just doesn’t seem to be on the same page.
The Invisible Load of Motherhood
The invisible load of motherhood describes the unnoticed and uncompensated physical, mental, and emotional labor completed behind the scenes to keep our household happy, healthy, and running smoothly.
The physical load is easy to see: the dishes, the laundry, the packing school lunches, the cleaning up after messy kids. The emotional load, managing tantrums and comforting upset little ones, is also an obvious part of the work we do on the daily.
The mental load, though, might be the most challenging. It includes planning and managing the day-to-day activities of the household. And despite all the strides we’ve made toward gender equality, moms are still the ones who bear the brunt of this invisible load.
In short, we’re the default parent. We feel it. And research proves it:
61% of moms handle most of the household chores themselves.
54% of moms manage their kids’ schedules and activities.
55% of moms take charge of caring for sick kids.
62% of moms take less than one hour for themselves every day.
Parenting the Other Parent
Feeling stuck as the default parent may escalate to a whole new level when we feel like we’re also parenting our partner.
For example, we might find ourselves nagging, prodding, controlling, or dictating more than usual. We might take on even more responsibilities than we typically would to make up for a lack of support in the household. We often also suffer from a lack of sexual intimacy because of these additional roles and the feelings associated with them.
Any of that sound familiar?
It’s an easy trap to fall into. Afterall, if our partner doesn’t act like a partner, it’s easy not to treat them like one! So getting our co-parenting relationship back on track is for both of us. It’s our job to treat them like the adult they are, and it’s their job to step up to that responsibility.
I know it’s hard. Here are six easy ways to get started.
6 Ways to Make Parenting More Equal
#1 Address the elephant in the room.
The only way things will change is if we talk about the issue, out in the open. By having a conversation, we can:
Express our own feelings.
Gauge how our partner feels about the situation.
Create solutions together.
Be careful not to blame the other person in this scenario. Remember, you’re both responsible for making these changes. Using I statements and feeling words are both great ways to start a healthy conversation.
This might sound like:
I feel like I’m carrying a lot of the load around the house. I feel frustrated and upset that we’re not tackling these things like equal partners. Can we talk about some ways to make things better?
#2 Redistribute household tasks.
Chances are you’ve been tackling most (read: almost all) of the labor in your home and relationship. And all of that has you stretched super thin—mentally, emotionally, and physically.
It’s time to redistribute.
Start by making a list of all the responsibilities in your home or partnership, from laundry to taking care of sick kids. Next to each, write who will oversee that task.
When two people contribute to and uphold this kind of contract, you eliminate the unknown and make the work more visible.
But flexibility is also key. One of you may carry more of the weight from time-to-time, or things will just naturally fall off course. When this happens, come back to your list and see how it needs to be adjusted.
#3 Actually allow your partner to help.
Motherhood is full of contrasting and simultaneous emotions. On one hand, you want your partner to rise to the occasion and lighten your load. But on the other hand, giving up control is really hard.
One of the reasons it might be difficult to accept help is our own anticipation of failure. We think, “If I’m not doing it, it’s going to be done wrong.”
Challenging this fear, and totally reframing it, can help.
The way your partner does things probably isn’t wrong, it’s just different. And even if your partner fails to do everything you do on a daily basis, your kids are going to be fine. Buying a school lunch won’t be the end of the world. A stop at the store right before the birthday party won’t destroy the day’s schedule. A different diapering routine won’t cause immediate diaper rash or discomfort.
Provide your partner with the opportunity to try (and fail) at the tasks they’re “assigned.” Remember, it’s not your job to save them or your household. It’s your job to hold up your end of the bargain. That’s it. Your partner can be responsible for the rest.
#4 Maintain great boundaries.
Boundaries are where you end, and others begin. In a parent-child relationship, those lines are often blurred. So, when our partner starts to feel like another child in the mix, our boundaries are probably going to get tested.
But building and keeping healthy boundaries is a necessary part of keeping our relationships strong and healthy. Boundaries aren’t rude, disrespectful, selfish, or alienating. Boundaries are a necessary act of self-love that can improve our relationships with others.
One way to maintain great boundaries is to challenge our own thoughts in the moment of a boundary violation. When we ignore our boundaries, we’re really saying, “I’m not allowed to share my thoughts and feelings because they’re not as important as keeping the peace or maintaining someone else’s happiness.”
Challenge these thoughts by asking:
Do I know this will upset my partner or disrupt the peace?
Is this person more important than I am?
Reminding yourself you’re important enough to maintain your own boundaries creates a happier, healthier you. And you deserve that!
Learn 9 more ways to build healthier boundaries.
#5 Be realistic in your expectations.
Sometimes, we expect our partners to read our minds and anticipate our unspoken needs. And it’s really, really hard to meet someone’s needs if we don’t know what those needs are!
So, if your partner fails to uphold a standard or expectation you have, ask yourself these questions before you address the problem:
Am I being fair?
How would I feel if someone did this to me?
Have I expressed this expectation to them?
Shifting our perspectives can allow us to see if an expectation is attainable or totally out of reach. And remember: Asking clearly for what we need or want is an expression of our all-important boundaries.
If we’re honest with ourselves, we might find that not verbalizing our needs because “they should just know” might be a way for us to avoid setting those boundaries. So, challenge yourself and ask away.
#6 get the perspective of an outside source.
Hang with me because I don’t mean the vent sessions with your friends (although that might feel good in the moment). Sometimes when we are in the thick of it we can’t differentiate the problem from our partner and vice versa. An outside source might be a skilled couple’s therapist.
If working with a therapist isn’t in the cards at the moment, tuning in to a workshop might be an option. I’ve created the Unpacking Resentment Workshop with my colleague Erica Djossa of @momwell. Inside the workshop we will teach you and your partner how to create a partnership that feels fair (and might I say enjoyable?). Join here.
Sources
Ciciolla, L., & Luthar, S. S. (2019). Invisible Household Labor and Ramifications for Adjustment: Mothers as Captains of Households. Sex Roles, 81, 467–486. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x
LaScala, M. (2020, April 6). Moms Do More Invisible Labor, But It’s Possible to Lighten the Load. Good Housekeeping. https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a32017759/invisible-labor-mothers/.
Motherly. (2019, May 3). Motherly's 2019 State of Motherhood survey results. Motherly. https://www.mother.ly/2019-state-of-motherhood-survey/media-coverage-motherlys-2019-state-of-motherhood-survey-results.
Pew Research Center. (2015, November 4). Raising Kids and Running a Household: How Working Parents Share the Load. Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2015/11/04/raising-kids-and-running-a-household-how-working-parents-share-the-load/.