As moms, we have this innate desire to do it right.

Some of it’s about the right stuff, like books, toys, clothes, or nursery decorations. Other times it’s about the right routine, with schedules, creative activities, monitored screen time, independent play, and outside exploration. Even more daunting is the right parenting, focused on decisions like nutrition, discipline, and sleep practices.

We do all this in hopes that we’re good enough for our kids. But when we say we want to be good enough, what we’re actually aiming for is perfection.

And when we inevitably fail at being 100% for our kids all the time, we’re really hard on ourselves. We feel guilty and shameful, overwhelmed and burned out, anxious and depressed, or all of the above.

We think perfectionism will make us the best moms for our kids. But perfectionism rarely serves us the way we hope it will.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism in motherhood is the comparison of ourselves to something or someone else—usually regarding our parenting choices.

It often comes from a should mindset. Our standards are built by what we think we should be doing as moms. And those shoulds come from a lot of places:

• Our own moms, including trauma they pass to us

• Our own self-image outside of motherhood

• Other family members’ experiences and opinions

• Societal pressures

• Social media

 

Just like the roots of perfectionism can be different for each person, the way it presents in our daily lives can be different, too. Take these scenarios for example:

Jennifer checks her baby’s weight every day. She compares it to “Dr. Google” to make sure her little one is growing properly and is on track with other kids his age. She constantly wonders, “Should I be feeding him more?”
 

Maya scrolls through pages and pages of Instagram baby PT accounts. She puts a lot of pressure on herself to help her daughter meet her milestones. Even though she’s already crawling at 6 months, Maya believes, “She’s behind. Is she going to walk on time? I should be giving her more tummy time every day.”

Binu spends 100% of her time focused on her son. During awake time, she’s attentive and focused on him—no distractions. When he’s asleep, she constantly checks on him, looks for parenting resources online, or designs developmental activities. She neglects her relationship, thinking, “I shouldn’t be focused on my partner. It’s all about my son now!”

In each of these examples, there’s a strong need to do everything right based on an idea of what each mom thinks she should be doing to give her kiddo the best life possible.

Now, when things don’t go according to plan—baby misses tummy time for a week because they’re sick, the checkout line is long so you miss naptime by 15 minutes, or your pediatrician says baby is on the smaller or larger side—we really feel the effects of our perfectionism. We might:

• Punish ourselves

• Call ourselves hurtful names

• Tell ourselves we’re inadequate

• Think our kids would be better off with someone else

• Overcompensate and become more rigid in our expectations

• Retreat and isolate from our support systems

 

All of this yuck can quickly become a larger problem.

Perfectionism and Postpartum Depression

A variety of studies point to a correlation between perfectionism and postpartum depression (PPD). One study found that high levels of perfectionism, particularly regarding a high concern over mistakes, was more associated with PPD. Another found that self-oriented perfectionism, characterized by high standards for oneself, was highly correlated with PPD.

PPD, affecting between 10-15% of new mothers, is a serious mental health concern. It includes symptoms like poor concentration, sadness, overwhelm, irritability, difficulty caring for oneself or one’s family, suicidal thoughts, and more.

If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, call 911 or go to the emergency room right away.

In short, perfectionism is terrible for us. But we often just push through, continuing these thought patterns and behaviors because we think it will benefit our kids somehow. But in reality, our perfectionism is bad for them, too.

How Perfectionism Affects Kids

Research shows that kids with parents who struggle with mental health disorders, like PPD, may experience social, emotional, and cognitive delays. When they have perfectionist parents, kids may also be more likely to experience:

• Self-criticism

• Depression and anxiety

• Symptoms of ADHD

• Poor coping strategies

• Decreased soft skills, like responsibility and conscientiousness

• Their own perfectionism

 

Right now, I can hear you thinking, “Great. So now I’m not even perfect at being perfect, because my kid’s going to suffer for my perfectionism?”

Take a deep breath.

This isn’t meant to be alarmist or pessimistic.  I give you this information only to empower you to find support for your perfectionism. It can be really tough to do things for ourselves. Sometimes changing our behavior for others, especially for the benefit of our kids, is easier.

Five Tips for Interrupting Perfectionism

#1 Practice self-compassion.

Dr. Kristin Neff pioneered the concept of self-compassion and its effect on perfectionism. Self-compassion is when you provide yourself with the utmost kindness, support, and empathy when you experience feelings of failure, inadequacy, or imperfection.

 

The first step is to recognize when you need self-compassion. Start to pay attention to your feelings, without judgment. If you notice you feel inadequate, defeated, or self-critical, take a moment. Allow yourself to fully feel those completely natural and common feelings, and simply say (out loud, if it helps), “I am feeling X, Y, or Z.”

 

That will be your cue to practice self-compassion. Try thinking about how you would approach a friend in the same situation. If a friend or loved one came to you as they were feeling particularly self-critical, what would you do? Would you berate, belittle, and criticize them for their mistakes? Or would you offer a listening ear, support, kindness, empathy, nonjudgmental advice, and a reminder that mistakes are a part of being human?

 

You deserve the same treatment you would give to that friend or loved one. As you continue to practice, ultimately finding other ways to perceive a situation and cope with these negative feelings, self-compassion will become second nature.

#2 Use affirmations.

Every day, write down some positive traits about yourself that have nothing to do with your success or role as a mom. Being a parent is hard, so reminding yourself that you have incredible, unique qualities outside of motherhood can help you realize you’re still a wonderful, capable person even on your worst parenting days. And on days when all self-confidence goes out the window, you’ll have a tangible list to read. 

#3 Take time for yourself.

Taking time for yourself reminds you that you’re important, too. (Because you are!) Enjoy a hobby you had pre-baby, find a new relaxing activity, call a friend, take a walk, catch up on your favorite show, read a book… whatever calms you and fills your cup.

#4 Embrace a “Good Enough Mother” mentality.

The Good Enough Mother, coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is an approach to parenting that involves being sensitive, responsive, and adaptive to our children’s needs and developmental abilities. It stands in direct contrast to the perfect parent, recognizing that you can’t be everything all the time and that’s more than OK. 

#5 Find a therapist.

Perfectionism tells us things have to be one way or the other—all or nothing. But life hardly ever works that way. A therapist can help you tease out these black-and-white thought patterns and give you more tools to leave room for some gray. Check out Postpartum International’s therapist directory.

You’re doing great.

Perfectionism, and the high expectations that come with it, often lead to guilt and shame. In my new webinar with Erica Djossa, MA (@happyasamother) we discuss how to discover your definition of a “good mom,” stop comparing ourselves to others, practice self-compassion, and more. Check out Surviving Mom Guilt today!

Sources

Antony, M. M. (2009). When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

Eunjung Cha, A. (2016, June 27). Your perfectionist parenting style may be detrimental to your child. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2016/06/27/dear-tiger-mom-your-perfectionist-parenting-style-may-be-detrimental-to-your-child/. 

Gelabert, E., Subirà, S., García-Esteve, L., Navarro, P., Plaza, A., Cuyàs, E., Navinés, R., Gratacòs, M., Valdés, M., & Martín-Santos, R. (2012). Perfectionism dimensions in major postpartum depression. Journal of Affective Disorders, 136(1-2), 17–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2011.08.030 

Jackman, L. C., Thorsteinsson, E. B., & McNeil, D. G. (2017). Perfect Imperfections: Locus of Control, Perfectionism, and Postpartum Depression. SAGE Open, 7(2), 215824401771068. https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244017710689 

Naumburg, C. (2018, March 14). The Gift of the Good Enough Mother. Seleni. https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/14/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother. 

Neff, K. (n.d.). Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/. 

Padoa, T., Berle, D., & Roberts, L. (2018). Comparative Social Media Use and the Mental Health of Mothers With High Levels of Perfectionism. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 37(7), 514–535. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2018.37.7.514 

Shafran, R., Egan, D., & Wade, T. (2019). Overcoming Perfectionism 2nd Edition: A self-help guide using scientifically supported cognitive behavioural techniques (Overcoming Books) (2nd ed.). Robinson. 

Smith, A. (2013, May 9). The Perils of Perfectionism in Motherhood. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthy-connections/201305/the-perils-perfectionism-in-motherhood.