When Motherhood Doesn’t Come Naturally
You’ll know the moment you see them.
Trust your maternal instincts!
Motherhood just comes…naturally.
These common statements are often made by well-meaning people attempting to decrease our new-mom anxiety. But the truth is that these platitudes don’t always help.
Because when motherhood doesn’t come naturally to us, we feel like a failure. Like something’s wrong with us. Like we weren’t cut out for this at all.
If this resonates, this blog is for you. Let’s talk about when motherhood doesn’t come naturally (even though everyone said it would).
Matrescene 101
So much happens when we have a baby. Physically, emotionally, relationally, and practically, everything changes. And these experiences are nearly universal, prompting anthropologist Dana Raphael to coin the term matrescence.
Matrescence is the physical, psychological, and emotional changes that happen when you become a mother. And these changes are so sudden that they can create an identity crisis!
Identity crises happen when there’s any increasing confusion or conflict about a specific role we hold.
These crises happen throughout our life. In adolescence, we’re reshaping our identity to be as different from our parents as possible, focusing instead on our peers and their opinions of us. In middle-adulthood, we might experience intense identity shifts when changing careers or retiring completely. In late adulthood, the death of our partner or other family members can create identity confusion.
And what makes the motherhood identity transformation so extreme is the simultaneous biological changes that happen in pregnancy and postpartum.
Ultimately, in this identity crisis, we probably don’t feel like ourselves because we no longer are ourselves.
(If this is stressful, I totally get it. Some people have a really hard time with the idea that they’ve changed post-baby. Check out 7 Ways to Define Yourself Outside Motherhood if you want more support in honoring and leaning into your pre-baby self.)
Brain-Based Changes in Pregnancy and Postpartum
As research on the pregnant and postpartum brain continues to evolve, we’ve learned something really important (and validating!).
During this period, the brain actively changes and adapts–more than any other point in life–to meet the new challenges of motherhood head-on. It becomes more specialized through structural and synaptic changes, which puts more focus and energy into the parts that will serve us well in parenthood.
You might be thinking, “OK, so my brain literally is made for this. Becoming a mom should come naturally to me because my brain is changing in a way that makes that possible!”
But here’s the catch: While we might be biologically disposed to caring for our offspring, that doesn’t mean it feels natural to us. That doesn’t make things easier. In fact, it might make matrescence harder.
There’s nothing natural about the intense, almost overnight shifts we experience when we’re thrust into parenthood. Even though our brain and body has been preparing for our little one’s arrival, the rest of our life has remained relatively unchanged.
Then boom!
Your schedule is now run by an 8-pound human who doesn’t know how to survive without you. Your relationships have become transactional, leaving deep connection and conversation at the door. Your bank account is turned on its head. Your body is healing from a significant trauma.
The learning curve is steep. And it’s okay to stumble.
Adjusting to these changes takes time. As with any new experience, it can take significant effort to become an expert. None of us are naturals on our first day on the job.
But we feel like we should be. And those unrealistic expectations can start to wreak havoc on the joy and confidence we deserve in this transition.
So, let’s talk about what to do when you don’t feel like a natural mom. Here are five tips to help.
5 Things to Do When Motherhood Doesn’t Come Naturally
#1 Shift your mindset.
Unnatural doesn’t mean unfit or bad. It means you need time to adjust. Give yourself the time and patience you deserve. Remember, there’s no real rulebook and you’ve never done this before. (Or, even if you have done this before, keep in mind each experience or kiddo is different, which brings new challenges!)
#2 Fill the gaps.
Everyone starts somewhere. And everyone has something to learn. To build your confidence, fill the gaps in knowledge you may have.
Never changed a diaper? Find a YouTube video! Need ideas of how to calm a fussy baby? Take a parenting course! Interested in baby-led weaning? Read up on what the experts have to say!
Even seasoned parents can use a refresher! No shame or judgment necessary
#3 Address the shoulds.
When things don’t go according to plan—or feel different than everyone said they would—you might start feeling guilty or shameful. Both are rooted in what we think we should be doing.
We’re told that, as moms, we should be warm, patient, affectionate, and nurturing. But when those things don’t come naturally, we start to feel like we’ve made a mistake. That we’re not cut out for this whole motherhood thing.
But the truth is, all these shoulds are often tied to unreasonable, unrealistic, super-high standards we set for ourselves. They’re not flexible or self-compassionate. They’re rigid and unforgiving. This leads to more guilt and shame. Then, the cycle continues.
Instead, try replacing should with can. By focusing on your strengths, you give credence to all those things that make you a great parent, even when it doesn’t feel natural. Try these positive affirmations the next time you start shoulding:
I can learn how to do this.
I can adapt to new challenges.
I can struggle and be a good parent at the same time.
#4 Check in on your newsfeeds.
Some of the most damaging shoulds come from our social media feeds. That’s often because we see everything we’re not: supermoms who are having no trouble at all tackling the responsibilities of motherhood with grace and patience.
But we often forget that we’re only seeing highlight reels. And when we start to compare our whole lives to someone else’s carefully curated snippets, we get down on ourselves. But it’s necessary to remember that Instagram moms struggle, too. They just don’t show it.
So, evaluate your newsfeed. Are there accounts that just make you feel blegh? Hit the unfollow button! Your mental health will thank you!
#5 Practice value-driven parenting.
When we compare our parenting experiences to other peoples’ we’re ultimately using someone else’s yardstick to measure our own life. It’s necessary that we take a step back and develop our own yardstick by way of defining our personal values.
Values are the fundamental and foundational bricks on which we build a meaningful life. These values, and how we prioritize them, are totally different from person to person. And no one way is wrong! But when we get stuck in comparison mode, it can feel that way.
For example:
Mom A values nature. Being a great mom means getting outside once a day.
Mom B values creativity. She prioritizes exploring music, art, writing, and storytelling.
Mom C values justice. Her bar for good parenting is raising equality-minded kids.
But when Mom C compares herself to Mom A, she may experience guilt and shame for “failing” at an expectation she doesn’t actually even hold for herself.
So, you feel like being a mom doesn’t come naturally to you. What does that mean? What values are you holding yourself to that make you natural or unnatural at this whole thing?
By clarifying your own values and parenting accordingly, you can regain a sense of confidence that you can do this!
There are lots of value clarification exercises online, like The Bullseye or this one from Carnegie Mellon University. Or, if you’re working with a therapist, they can explore your value system with you in other ways. Try out a couple of methods to see which is most useful for you. Then write down your values, and keep them in an easily accessible place so you can refer to them as needed.
You deserve support.
When expectations don’t meet reality, we can be robbed of the confidence and joy we deserve in this season of life. That’s why I created Keeping Mommy in Mind, an online course to help you conquer your transition to motherhood.
In the course, I spend an entire module talking about motherhood myths and how to release the burden of unrealistic expectations.