What Does Self-Care Really Mean?
Marni has had a tough week.
Every day starts with a screaming, 5 AM wake-up call from her teething toddler. Then the day just kind of… spirals. Nothing gets done at work or at home. She’s feeling stretched thinner than ever before.
Her husband suggests she go out and get a pedicure. She begrudgingly agrees, knowing deep down that some time out of the house could be good for her.
But when she returns to the chaos, she feels just as burned out as before. “So much for self-care,” she sighs.
Self-care has become a buzzword in recent years.
Everyone and their mother are talking about it. But many of us are still not quite sure what it means. Or if we’re doing it right.
Often, self-care seems synonymous with a “treat yo’ self” mentality. We think of expensive shopping sprees and luxurious bubble baths… fluffy and temporary escapes from our otherwise stressful lives.
And while a good soak and a new bag every now and then probably won’t hurt, those things don’t give us the long-term relief we need to keep pushing through.
So, is that all self-care is? Or is there more to the story?
Defining Self-Care
Self-care is anything we do to take care of ourselves so we can remain well. But wellness is broad.
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), wellness spans eight equally important dimensions, including:
Emotional
Spiritual
Intellectual
Physical
Environmental
Financial
Occupational
Social
All these dimensions are both singular and interconnected. In other words, each dimension has important consequences for our lives on its own, and each of them builds on the others. For example, financial problems create their own unique stressors in our lives. But they can also create anxiety (emotional wellness), which can then lead to chronic illness (physical wellness).
So, it’s important that we address each of these areas of our lives, with balance, to maintain true wellness. But there are two ways we can do this—with either temporary or enduring self-care practices.
Temporary vs. Enduring Self-Care
The self-care practices we see in the media and on our social media feeds are often temporary. These are the short-term practices we use to decompress in the moment, and they often involve “fluffy” or surface-level self-care like a mani-pedi or bubble bath.
If these things work for you, keep doing them! Temporary self-care can be helpful. But we also have to be careful that these short-term “self-care” efforts aren’t actually avoidance.
Avoidance is a strong defense mechanism that prevents us from addressing a root problem. For example, watching an episode of our favorite TV show could be a temporary self-care technique. Binging an entire season on a weekend while neglecting to clean the house might be a sign of avoidance, instead. (No judgment—I’ve been there!)
The opposite of temporary self-care methods are those that are enduring.
To practice enduring self-care, we need to turn inward and evaluate what we need for long-term wellness and success. That could include more substantial acts of self-care, like creating good boundaries, setting weekly date nights with friends, or incorporating a sound savings plan for your financial future.
While these ideas aren’t as G-L-A-M as temporary self-care, they set us up for better success in the long term. And we often feel much more fulfilled by them because they help us make meaningful changes in our lives.
Why Does Self-Care Matter?
Let’s pause for a moment to talk about why self-care is worth consideration. In addition to the individual benefits of attending to each of the eight dimensions of wellness, having a great self-care plan—and practicing it daily—can have long-lasting effects on your entire life.
Engaging in regular self-care can help you:
Foster resilience and flexibility
Reduce stress
Improve your immune system
Increase productivity
Develop deeper relationships
Increase self-esteem
Reduce burnout
Barriers to Self-Care
That all sounds lovely, right? But actually engaging in self-care can be hard.
In our daily lives, we experience very real barriers to self-care. So if you’re struggling to take care of yourself, please hear this: You’re not alone. You’re not broken or lazy. You just need some extra support.
Here are some reasons why moms struggle with self-care:
We feel guilty. This is the most common reason for neglecting self-care. It’s simply hard to put ourselves first. We feel selfish for taking that time to take care of ourselves. (We’ll unpack this in the next section.)
We feel worthless. When we have low self-esteem, we avoid self-care because we don’t feel like we’re worth it.
We don’t have time. Life gets busy. When we don’t plan for and actively schedule our self-care, it often falls to the wayside. As parents, we have a million other things on our to-do list!
We’re being impatient. Truthbomb incoming! Change takes time. Making changes, and sticking to them, is hard. When you don’t give yourself adequate time to make these changes, you might feel like your self-care isn’t working or worth it.
Ideas for Enduring Self-Care
What works for you might not work for everyone. Self-care can be extremely personal, and it can take some time to determine what makes you feel well.
As you determine what works best for you for each wellness dimension, use these ideas to start your journey.
#1 Reframe your definition of self-care.
If you’re having a hard time taking care of yourself for yourself, try taking care of yourself for the sake of someone else—like your kids! You know the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
While this platitude can be overused, it’s true! We can’t continue to be the best mom for our kids without taking care of ourselves. An exhausted mom doesn’t have patience. A hungry mom doesn’t have compassion.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of them.
#2 Set great boundaries.
Boundaries are where you end and others begin. They’re the fence you build around your physical, emotional, and spiritual space. And that fence allows you to play gatekeeper—to decide who can come in, who can’t, and under what circumstances.
By setting appropriate boundaries with everyone and everything, you can protect your wellness. And while it’s a long-term goal that requires constant work, your life will be better for it!
#3 Talk kindly to yourself.
Self-talk—the way that little voice in your head talks to you, particularly in times of stress—is one of the most overlooked aspects of enduring self-care. Learning how to talk kindly and compassionately to yourself can make a world of difference to your emotional wellness.
Try these self-compassion statements to get you started:
I’m making progress.
I’m the best mom for my kids.
My mistakes don’t define me.
#4 Make those doctor appointments.
Been putting off the dentist? Have an annual check-up that’s a couple of months late? Now’s the time!
Part of self-care is keeping up with the nitty-gritty of your physical health. Taking time out of your daily life to take care of these important appointments is part of the self-care long game.
#5 Get some extra support.
Therapeutic support is a powerful tool that can help you explore self-care on a deeper level. In therapy, you can discover new ways to care for yourself and, perhaps more importantly, address challenges preventing you from caring for yourself.
To find a therapist that specializes in the postpartum experience, check out Postpartum Support International.
Sources
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). (2016). Creating a Healthier Life: A Step-By-Step Guide to Wellness. Washington DC.
