How to Talk with Your Kids About Gun Violence
As summer begins to wind down and school supplies hit the shelves, many parents are riding a seesaw of emotions.
On the one hand, we’re practically begging our kids to go back to school. (The parental burnout is very, very real). But on the other hand, given the ever-increasing number of school shootings in the U.S., we just want to hold our little ones close.
Please hear this: If you’re feeling especially anxious about the start of school this year, you’re not alone. If you’d rather not even think about gun violence in schools, let alone talk about it, you’re not alone in that, either.
But the truth is, we need to have the conversation—both for our own peace of mind and for our kids’.
Why Talk to Kids about Gun Violence
Given how frequently gun violence happens in the U.S., tackling the topic is unavoidable. Most of our kids have grown up in an era of lockdown drills and active shooter scenarios. They see what’s on the news, or they overhear adults or their classmates talking about it.
Because we can’t shelter our kids from knowing about these events, it’s important for us to be the caretakers of how they receive and process this information. We, as parents, need to take our power back and process these important conversations with our kids. And our children need to know we’re a source of accurate information.
But it’s hard.
Especially when we’re dealing with our own fears and anxieties about the topic, it can be difficult to coach our little ones through the same process. So before I share some tips for talking with your kids about gun violence, let’s talk about how to manage your own back-to-school anxieties.
4 Ways to Manage Parental Anxiety
#1 Take care of yourself first.
You know the age-old airplane safety instructions: "Put on your own mask before assisting others.” That applies here, too.
Kids are wildly intuitive. Even the youngest children can feel when we’re upset, angry, or anxious. So it’s important we take care of ourselves and get our feelings in check (as much as we can) before having uncomfortable conversations.
However, that’s not to say you should put on a perfect, stone-like face. Showing your little ones you’re vulnerable is a powerful way to help them manage their own emotions. By modeling effective ways to cope with our anxiety, we can help our children do the same.
This might sound like:
School shootings make mommy scared, too. That’s why I do things like take deep breaths and talk about my feelings. What do you do when you’re feeling scared?
#2 Calm your body.
Anxiety often comes with physical symptoms. Because of where all the warning signals come from in our brain, our body naturally tenses up and activates. It gets ready to fight, fly, or freeze. Calming our body is just as important as calming our mind.
Use relaxation skills like deep breathing, stretching, mindfulness meditation, yoga, or whatever makes your body feel loose and calm. This will tell your brain and body, “I’m safe. I’m OK.” These skills release the tension, slow down the mind, and help you come back to the present moment.
#3 Separate fact from fear.
Feelings aren’t facts. And while gun violence happens way too often in this country, it’s also still very unlikely that your child will be directly affected. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you and your family are safe in the here and now.
#4 Manage intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, often extremely stressful thoughts and images that arrive completely out of the blue. In this case, you might be experiencing thoughts of your child enduring an active shooter situation. While these thoughts are terrifying, there are ways you can tackle them:
Accept the thoughts for what they are (just thoughts).
Distract yourself.
Share your experience with your partner or other parents.
7 Ways to Talk to Your Kids About Gun Violence
Now that you have some skills to manage your own anxiety, let’s talk about how to help your little ones do the same.
#1 Find out what your children already know.
A child’s field of view is quite small, and when it comes to gun violence they’re most concerned with their safety in the here and now. So, rather than launching into a long lecture about gun violence, start by finding out what they already know.
Ask your kiddos open-ended questions about what they think, how they feel, what they’re seeing at school, and what this experience is like for them. Stay present and focused on immediate safety and security.
#2 Ask how your child feels, and validate their emotions.
It can be easy to say, “Everything’s going to be OK.” It likely will be! But that’s not helpful to a child who’s anxious about returning to a potentially unsafe place.
Instead, name and validate their feelings: anger, fear, anxiety, and so on. By doing this, you’re helping your child learn to cope with difficult thoughts and feelings in healthy ways. These are skills that will serve them for a lifetime.
This might sound like:
That sounds scary. It’s okay to be scared.
I feel worried, too. What can we do to feel better together?
#3 Name all the ways your child is safe.
When children are aware of one way they’re not safe—like gun violence—their brains start running a mile a minute. They may start thinking of the entire world as an unsafe place.
For that reason, it’s critical to reassure kids that they’re safe in the here and now. List specific examples of the ways we work to prevent bad things from happening: seat belts, smoke detectors, fire drills, and even active shooter drills. And remind them again: “In this moment, you’re safe.” Remind yourself, too.
#4 Answer questions honestly.
When we’re quiet about things happening in our lives, our kids’ minds start to fill in the gaps. As parents, we need to take the opportunity to fill in the gaps for them with accurate information.
Choose the information you share based on age, stage, and needs. But, as a rule of thumb, be honest.
Conversations with elementary-school kiddos should be feelings and safety-based. This sounds like, “A man was very angry and hurt a lot of people inside a school. It wasn’t your school, and you and your friends are safe.” For older kids—middle and high school-aged—it’s more important to focus on the facts of the event.
Remember, if you don’t fill in the gaps, they will.
It’s worth noting that children are not the only gap-fillers. If you’re feeling especially anxious about school-based gun violence, seek out reputable information so you have more facts to process instead of fears. Just take care not to become consumed by the media. Set a timer if you have to, or shut down your online media sources temporarily and subscribe to a paper newspaper you trust instead.
#5 Encourage self-care.
Pay attention to body language or other cues that your child needs to table the conversation for another time. Offer them what calms their minds and bodies—food, cuddles, TV, games, friends. This can be an important reminder that they can find comfort even in difficult, anxious times. These are big topics for little people. Model and normalize self-care for them.
#6 Keep the conversation going.
Kids need to hear things over and over again to process them. According to Melissa Brymer from the National Center for Child Traumatic Stress, “Sometimes they need it in little chunks. They might not be able to digest everything in one sitting.” Be patient and leave the door open for continued conversation.
#7 Convert feelings into action.
For older kids, self-efficacy decreases anxiety. Their understanding of how they control their environment and what they can do to affect change can mean the difference between anxiety and confidence.
So remind your kids what they can do if a friend brings a gun to school: Don’t touch it and tell an adult right away. Or consider getting involved in gun violence initiatives together as a family.
Kids can and should be a part of the solution, not only for our sake but for theirs.
Talking about it truly helps.
Most parents are afraid that if they bring up the subject of school shootings, they’ll actually make their child more fearful. But that’s just not true. When you invite the conversation, you give your child a safe space to share their concerns and to receive accurate information from someone they trust.
And by hearing from your child what they’re thinking and feeling—instead of worrying about what they may or may not know—you’ll have more peace of mind, too.
Sources
Aubrey, A. (2022, May 26). What to say to kids about school shootings to ease their stress. NPR. Retrieved July 6, 2022, from https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/05/26/1101306073/what-to-say-to-kids-about-school-shootings-to-ease-their-stress
The Educational Fund to Stop Gun Violence, & The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence. (2021, February). A public health crisis decades in the making: A review of 2019 CDC Gun Mortality Data. Educational Fund to Stop Gun Violence.
Education Week. (2022, June 8). School shootings this year: How many and where. Education Week. Retrieved July 6, 2022, from https://www.edweek.org/leadership/school-shootings-this-year-how-many-and-where/2022/01
Sandy Hook Promise. 16 Facts About Gun Violence. Retrieved July 19, 2022 from https://www.sandyhookpromise.org/blog/gun-violence/16-facts-about-gun-violence-and-school-shootings/
Valeeva, A., Ruderman, W., & Park, K. (2022, July 6). What you need to know about the rise in U.S. mass shootings. The Marshall Project. Retrieved July 6, 2022, from https://www.themarshallproject.org/2022/07/06/what-you-need-to-know-about-the-rise-in-u-s-mass-shootings
