5 Relationship Traps Parents Should Avoid
When we have a baby, we expect the experience to bring us closer to our partners. The idyllic family photoshoots and sappy posts all over our social feeds reinforce this idea tenfold.
But if that’s not what happened for you—if having a baby has actually caused you and your partner to drift apart (or worse)—you’re not alone.
Defining Relationship Dissatisfaction
In a study of first-time parents, researchers found that two-thirds of couples reported dissatisfaction in their relationship—citing increased conflict, resentment, lack of intimacy, and feeling unsupported (Gottman & Gottman, 2007).
Other indicators of relationship conflict or dissatisfaction include:
Lack of closeness or support
Poor communication
Feeling isolated or alone
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
Everyone deserves a healthy and safe relationship. If you need help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788.
The research fits the anecdotal evidence I see in my own practice. When working with moms, I hear things like:
Things aren’t fair.
They don’t understand where I am.
I’m so angry at them, and I’m not even sure why.
They can leave the house and no one even notices!
They won’t listen without trying to fix things for me.
I feel so guilty and overwhelmed, but they seem cool as a cucumber.
Effects of Relationship Dissatisfaction
Short term, relationship conflict feels awful, so it’s something worth addressing even if it’s only an every-now-and-then occurrence. But relationship dissatisfaction can become a big challenge as time goes on.
Research continuously notes that disruption in our relationships is a predictor of postpartum depression (PPD). The stress, isolation, and resentment around our conflict-filled relationships can make our depressive symptoms—loss of interest, poor concentration, guilt, hopelessness, irritability, tearfulness or crying spells, and more—a whole lot worse.
PPD, which is different from the “baby blues,” has serious consequences for us and our kids. We experience decreased physical, psychological, and relationship health. Studies suggest infants of moms with PPD also experience consequences to their motor, cognitive, language, emotional, social, and behavioral development.
How to Get Unstuck in Your Relationship
Drs. John and Julie Gottman—world-renowned relationship researchers and couples’ therapists— developed a list of five traps parents should avoid to preserve their relationships after having a baby.
Here are the five common relationship traps and what you can do to get unstuck.
Trap #1 The load of parenthood isn’t shared.
Moms tend to do the majority of work when it comes to running the household. The invisible physical, mental, and emotional labor it takes to keep everyone clean, healthy, and on time for anything can create a lot of wear and tear on us and our relationships. The worst part, though, is often the unspoken expectation that we, as the mom, are just supposed to handle it.
The load of parenthood, while unlikely to be shared equally all the time, is easier to manage when there’s an agreement and partnership underlying the responsibilities. It’s easier to accept the responsibility for the load of laundry when you know your partner is responsible for the dishes.
Start by making a list of all the responsibilities in your home or partnership, from laundry to taking care of sick kids. Next to each, write who will be in charge of that task.
When two people contribute to and uphold this kind of contract, you eliminate the unknown and make the work more visible. But flexibility is also key. One of you may carry more of the weight from time to time, or things will just naturally fall off course. But when this happens, come back to your list and see how it needs to be adjusted.
Trap #2 You don’t know how to talk to one another.
Good communication is crucial. In high-stress situations, of which parenting provides plenty, our healthy communication skills can go out the window. We revert to yelling, exploding, blaming, and avoiding.
Remember the basics:
Avoid the blame game and send messages the way you’d like to receive them.
Use I statements: “I feel unheard” instead of “You never listen to me.”
If a situation is too tense, or if you feel too angry to use these effective tools, take a break. Say, “I really want to keep talking about this, but I need a break first.” Then specify a later time to come back to the conversation. For example, “I’m going to go calm down in the bedroom. Can we pick this back up in an hour?” This provides the needed downtime to cool off and holds you accountable to return to the important conversation instead of avoiding it.
Trap #3 You’re getting the wrong kind of support.
When it comes to support in the relationship, we often experience two issues.
First, we don’t ask for exactly what we need.
For example, you might say, “I need more help around the house.” While you think you’re asking for support, this vague statement can be interpreted many ways. Your partner might decide that helping around the house means going to the grocery store, when what you really want is help with the laundry.
Clearly asking for the support you need—“Can you do all the laundry this week?”—can help you get the support you need.
If you have a hard time asking for what you need, that might be a sign you need to work on your boundaries. Boundaries express to us and others that we’re worth caring for. By asking for what you need, or holding other boundaries, you’re telling yourself and your partner that you’re worth it! Which you are!
Second, our partner doesn’t provide support in a way that’s meaningful to us.
Let’s say your partner feels uplifted by words of encouragement, while your cup is filled by acts of service, like doing dishes or taking the kids out so you can get some uninterrupted you time. When your partner tells you you’re a great mom, they think they’re giving you support because that’s how they receive it. But if you’d rather have a clean kitchen, the “Way to go!” and “You’re doing awesome!” aren’t as encouraging as your partner had hoped.
Talking with your partner about what actually makes you feel supported can bridge the gap.
Trap #4 You have unrealistic expectations of your partner.
One of the most common expectations we have of our loved ones is, “They should know already.” We expect them to read our minds and anticipate our unspoken needs. Sounds a little silly when we put it that way, right?
If your partner fails to uphold a standard or expectation you have—before you talk with them about it—ask yourself these questions:
Am I being fair?
How would I feel if someone did this to me?
Have I expressed this expectation to them?
Shifting your perspective can allow you to see if an expectation is attainable or totally out of reach. And, remember, asking clearly for what we need or want is an expression of our all-important boundaries. Not asking because “they should just know” might be a way for us to avoid setting those boundaries. So, challenge yourself and ask away!
Trap #5 You’ve let the resentment build.
Resentment is a product of unmet needs, and it can be absolutely toxic to a relationship’s success. And, oftentimes it creeps in before we even notice.
On Sunday morning after her husband is finished in the bathroom, Yasmine goes to take a shower. She opens the curtain to find a pile of his wet hair on the tub floor. In the past, she’s asked once or twice for him to clean up after himself. But then she stopped because it wasn’t worth the hassle. This time, she storms out and starts yelling things like, “You never listen to me!” and “I’m not your mother!”
In this example, the hair in the bathtub isn’t the actual cause of the explosive fight. This is what we see at the surface, but when we do a little digging we find there are unmet needs that have been buried away. Yasmine feels unheard and disrespected. She has unmet needs for connection and respect. But she’s rarely expressed this as an issue to her partner.
Yasmine let her resentment build and build every time she encountered hair in the shower. Instead of asking her husband to take responsibility, she took the time to clean the tub floor herself. Now it’s turned into something more.
Talk with your partner about your unmet needs. Don’t expect them to just know. Conversations help turn resentment into reconnection.
Parenting is hard and you deserve a good partner to do it with.
Do you want to work toward a fair partnership? That’s the goal, right? That’s why I created the Unpacking Resentment Workshop. After taking the workshop, you and your partner will have a better understanding of what’s keeping you stuck. You’ll also have the skills to communicate effectively and resolve conflict. Start here!
Sources
Gottman, J., & Schwartz Gottman, J. (2007). And baby makes three: the six-step plan for
preserving marital intimacy and rekindling romance after baby arrives. Three Rivers Press.
O'Hara, M. W. (1994). Postpartum depression causes and consequences. Springer.
Roux, G., Anderson, C., & Roan, C. (2002). Postpartum depression, marital dysfunction, and infant outcome: a longitudinal study. The Journal of perinatal education, 11(4), 25–36. https://doi.org/10.1624/105812402X88939
Slomian, J., Honvo, G., Emonts, P., Reginster, J. Y., & Bruyère, O. (2019). Consequences of maternal postpartum depression: A systematic review of maternal and infant outcomes. Women's health (London, England), 15, 1745506519844044. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745506519844044
