The Critical Role That Identity Plays In Motherhood

When we’re pregnant, it’s like we walk around wearing a sign on our forehead that reads, “Hi! Please share with me your most cliché thoughts on parenting!”

I mean, seriously: From well-meaning family and friends to strangers at the grocery store, everyone has something to say about motherhood:

Sleep now while you still can!

You’ll fall in love the second you look at her.

They’re only little once, so savor every moment!

Parenting will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it’ll be so worth it.

It’s not that these sentiments are necessarily untrue. It’s that they’re wildly incomplete.

No one thinks to tell you the big stuff—the things motherhood brings that rock your world even more than birthing a child.

Sure, you’ll experience joy and wonder and lots of good stuff. But also:

You’ll have moments—or days, weeks, or months—when you have no idea who you even are anymore.

Nothing will feel familiar. Your body, your day-to-day routine, your social life, your career goals, your relationships. They’ll all be a blurry haze.

When people try to engage you in conversation, you’ll have no idea what to say because you’ll feel so out of the loop.

Your firm grasp on what fulfills you will slip and shift.

Everything will center around a tiny human you just met, and you’ll have very little idea how to interact with them.

Pre-motherhood, you were just you. But when you birthed a baby, you also birthed a mother. And that triggers an identity crisis.

The Identity Crisis of Motherhood

An identity crisis is any increasing confusion or conflict about a specific role we hold.

We may have several identity crises throughout our lifetimes. In adolescence, we’re reshaping our identities to be as different from our parents as possible, focusing instead on our peers and their opinions of us. In middle and late adulthood, we may experience intense identity shifts when changing careers or retiring completely. In late adulthood, the death of our partners or other family members can create identity confusion.

But what makes the motherhood identity transformation so different is the biological changes that happen in pregnancy and postpartum.

A 2016 study published in Nature Neuroscience revealed that during pregnancy, and for at least two years postpartum, a mom’s brain undergoes significant remodeling. Areas associated with social cognition and empathy change so dramatically that a computer algorithm could accurately predict who had been pregnant based only on brain scans! While the researchers couldn’t provide definitive reasons why, they theorize that our brains are becoming more specialized to adapt to motherhood and better respond to the needs of our babies.

In addition to these changes, the hormones coursing through our bodies are associated with structural and organizational changes in the brain. So, if you’re feeling like you should be handling this transition a little better, stop! Blame it on biology!

Tips to Manage Your New Identity

It’s easy to feel helpless. Thankfully, there are things you can do to ease yourself into this new identity.

#1 Make time for you.

Your to-do list is never-ending. Your house looks like a warzone, dinner won’t cook itself, and your tiny human can’t take care of themselves. But just like you prioritize your chores and daily tasks, you also need to prioritize you.

Spend time each day doing something you enjoy. Whatever filled your cup before you had kids, do it. By returning to those activities—crafting, creating, socializing, cooking, running, reading, napping—you’re honoring your pre-mom self and creating more normalcy in this transition.

You also deserve a full cup, so fill it however you can.

#2 Say no.

Speaking of cups... you can’t pour from an empty one. As parents, we give a lot (sometimes all) of ourselves. And while most of the time it feels like we have to, the reality is it’s not sustainable or healthy.

When you pour and pour yourself into other peoples’ cups—partner, kids, in-laws, friends—there’s nothing left for you.

Learning how to set firm boundaries, including saying no every now and then (or all the time!), can plug the holes in your cup and leave room for what you need. Start by saying yes only to things that fuel you. Anything extra can sit on the sidelines for now.

#3 Shift your perspective.

It’s easy to focus on the negative. And while rose-colored glasses won’t get rid of your new responsibilities and stresses, taking the time to honor the incredible traits and skills you’re building can help you embrace this new role.

And keep in mind it doesn’t have to be one or the other—either positive OR negative. You’re a whole human with complex, sometimes competing feelings.

Things are confusing and you’re gaining clarity in what really matters in your life.
Things are overwhelming and you’re showing incredible patience on very little sleep.
Things are scary and you’re so strong for birthing an entire human.
Things are changing and you’re building resilience and adapting to these changes anyway.

Shifting perspectives and embracing the and of it all can help you be kinder to yourself throughout this identity crisis and transition.

#4 Seek support.

These are huuuuuuuge changes. Sometimes going it alone isn’t going to cut it. And, luckily, you don’t have to.

Some moms feel embarrassed and guilty about finding and using professional support. Sometimes therapist feels like an off-limits word.

But there is no shame in recognizing you’re drowning and reaching for a life raft.

Think about it: If you were literally drowning, would you silently lay there, tell yourself to “try harder,” and simply wish and hope the lifeguard would spot you? Definitely not. You would flail your arms, splash around, and scream for help!

If the uncertainty of this new role is taking a toll on your wellbeing, it’s time to look for support. Find a local therapist with Postpartum International’s online directory.

You’re not alone.

Every mom experiences this identity crisis to some degree. That’s why I created Keeping Mommy in Mind, an online course and virtual community designed to support moms just like you. Take back the joy and confidence in motherhood. Start today!