The Invisible Load of Motherhood
As moms, we see all, hear all, and know all. We have nearly boundless get up and go. We have eyes in the back of our head and a built-in GPS locator for just about everything in the house: the last clean pacifier, our partner’s keys, the dog’s favorite ball.
We’re superheroes, really. But our superpowers come at a price.
The Invisible Load of Motherhood
The invisible load of motherhood describes the unnoticed and uncompensated physical, mental, and emotional labor completed behind the scenes to keep our households happy, healthy, and running smoothly.
First, there’s the physical labor. These tasks are more noticeable since they often produce direct, visual, consumable results.
Growing and birthing a human
Completing household chores, from wiping the counters to deep cleaning the fridge
Preparing meals, which may or may not get eaten
Packing school and work lunches
Next is the mental labor, which includes planning and coordinating the day-to-day activities of the household. This is the majority of the invisible load.
Rotating clothes, shoes, and toys as things are outgrown
Purchasing a gift for the neighbor kid’s birthday party next weekend
Making and attending doctor’s appointments
Acting as family timekeeper
Maintaining a running list of where everything is all the time
Researching the newest and best for all things sleep, nutrition, and development
Lastly, the emotional labor of motherhood is all about managing the other household members’—particularly your kiddos’—feelings. Research shows this part of the invisible load can be the most challenging for a parent’s mental and emotional state.
Riding tantrum waves.
Comforting sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, or hangry kids.
Coaxing toddlers to do anything.
Motivating older kids to do chores or homework.
And all of this is expected 24/7, 365, in sickness and in health. And if you worked outside the home before you had kids, you’re now expected to rearrange, reduce, or leave your position altogether to care for your family.
In short, mothers tend to be the default parent.
Parenting and the Gender Gap
Despite the strides our American society has made toward gender equality, there’s still a significant gap in how parents contribute to the household. Most of the work falls on mothers, and research proves it.
In households where both parents work outside the home:
61% of moms handle most of the household chores themselves.
54% of moms manage their kids’ schedules and activities.
55% of moms take charge of caring for sick kids.
62% of moms take less than one hour for themselves every day.
When only dad works outside the home, the distribution of household and child-related labor is even more unbalanced.
Yes, dads have invisible labor, too. (But only barely.)
Let me pause here to say this: I’m not trying to spark arguments about who has it worse. I don’t recommend waving this post in front of your partner with a, “See?! I TOLD you I’m working harder!” (That’s an important conversation to have, and I’ll offer some how-to suggestions in a minute.)
For now, I want you to know I see you, and you aren’t imagining things. You’re doing a ton, and although your partner is also doing some invisible labor, his tasks are fewer, easier, and farther between.
For example, most dads remain largely in charge of household maintenance and finances. Those are important tasks, but they aren’t nearly as taxing as running the rest of the household.
Perhaps more importantly, fathers get acknowledged for their household contributions all the time. When dads take the kids out, they get compliments—and even sympathy—for “babysitting the kids.” But when moms take the kids out, we’re expected to have perfectly behaved children without so much as a nod of understanding.
So let’s talk about how to lighten the load.
Five Ways to Manage the Invisible Labor of Motherhood
#1 Talk about expectations with your partner.
Candidly explore your expectations for division of labor within your household. Being honest can help bring to light all you do for the family and open the door to sharing the responsibilities more equally. Start with, “I’m really overwhelmed and need you to take on some chores,” and see where it takes you.
#2 Actually allow your partner to help!
Motherhood is full of contrasting emotions. For example, we want so badly for someone to lighten the load. But also? It can be really tough to release control.
One of the reasons moms tend to gate-keep the invisible load is the anticipation of failure. You might think, “If I don’t do it, it’ll be done wrong.”
Challenging this idea and reframing it can help. The way your partner does things probably isn’t wrong; it’s just different. And even if your partner fails to do everything you do on a daily basis, your kids will nevertheless be just fine. Buying a school lunch won’t be the end of the world. A stop at the store right before the birthday party won’t destroy the day’s schedule. A different diapering routine won’t cause an immediate rash.
It’s important to allow your partner to help and to “fail” as they learn to do everything you do!
#3 Make a list of all your invisible labor.
Write down what you do every day, paying special attention to multitasking. By having a physical list of all you do for your household, you might notice how much you actually contribute. This makes your work more visible, even if just to you. It can also help you be kinder and more patient with yourself as you realize how difficult it is to juggle these physical, mental, and emotional tasks.
#4 Announce your work out loud.
Dr. Haley Swenson, deputy director of the Better Life Lab at New America, recommended this in an interview. She said, “Start announcing your work: ‘Mom is going to stop playing…so she can wash the laundry…’ It may seem a little passive aggressive at first, but it’s also simply the truth” (LaScala, 2020).
Making sure your labor is seen and acknowledged is an important step toward lightening your load.
#5 Find a good support group.
Sharing with other people who know what you’re experiencing can make a world of difference. Check out Keeping Mommy in Mind where you can be honest about your struggles and be met with the support you deserve.
Sources
Ciciolla, L., & Luthar, S. S. (2019). Invisible Household Labor and Ramifications for Adjustment: Mothers as Captains of Households. Sex Roles, 81, 467–486. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x
LaScala, M. (2020, April 6). Moms Do More Invisible Labor, But It’s Possible to Lighten the Load. Good Housekeeping. https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a32017759/invisible-labor-mothers/
Motherly. (2019, May 3). Motherly's 2019 State of Motherhood survey results. Motherly. https://www.mother.ly/2019-state-of-motherhood-survey/media-coverage-motherlys-2019-state-of-motherhood-survey-results.
Pew Research Center. (2015, November 4). Raising Kids and Running a Household: How Working Parents Share the Load. Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2015/11/04/raising-kids-and-running-a-household-how-working-parents-share-the-load/.
