The Birth of a Mother: 5 Tips to Help You Embrace Your New Identity
You hop out of your five-minute shower, wipe the steamed-up mirror, and discover your face has become Acne Central. Self-esteem already in the toilet, you trudge to the closet and try to find anything that will fit your ever-changing body.
With a sigh, you pull on the same leggings you’ve worn all week and head toward the kitchen to prepare your little one’s bottle. As you try to measure the exact right number of ounces, you reminisce about weekend brunches with your friends and romantic date nights with your partner. These days, you feel like you’re strapped into an interpersonal relationship rollercoaster.
“I thought motherhood was supposed to be a happy, love-filled, purpose-enhancing, meaning-of-life-giving experience. There’s something wrong with me. I’ve made a mistake.”
No, there’s not. No, you haven’t. And you’re not alone. What you’re experiencing has a name: Matresence.
Matrescence 101
So much change happens when you have a baby. Your hormones go all out of whack, your body has to try to put itself back together, all of your relationships shift, and more. These experiences are nearly universal, prompting anthropologist Dana Raphael to coin the term matrescence.
Matrescence describes the physical, psychological, and emotional changes that happen when you become a mother.
Like adolescence, matrescence is strongly connected to personal identity. As teenagers, our identity is shaped by how different we can be from our parents. As adults, our identity is strongly tied to our occupation.
But when we have a baby, our work—the thing that gives our life context, meaning, and motivation—gets put on the backburner. Instead, our all-day-every-day is dictated by a seven-pound human who depends on us for everything. And it happens practically overnight.
So, give yourself some grace! If you take away just one thing from this post, I want it to be this: You aren’t broken. You’re struggling with a natural season of change. And that’s okay.
5 Tips to Help You Embrace Your New Identity
So much of our preparation for motherhood is focused on our little ones. But you deserve to nurture yourself, too. These tips will help.
#1 Become a mythbuster.
Even before we get pregnant, we absorb all sorts of messages about what the transition to motherhood is like:
There’s a right and wrong way to deliver a baby.
Breastfeeding comes easily and naturally.
Your instincts will kick in immediately.
A good baby sleeps and isn’t fussy.
It’s no longer about you anymore.
A good mom is always grateful and positive.
I want you to know those are myths. The transition to motherhood is a wild, bumpy ride, and it leaves most moms feeling frustrated, confused, disconnected… even invisible.
To tackle the clash between myth-fueled expectations and reality, try challenging your myths in the moment. For example, if you find yourself thinking, “I can’t find time to take care of myself. It’s all about the baby now,” challenge the myth by saying, “It’s also about me because I’m still a person who needs love and support.”
#2 Mourn your losses.
You give up a lot for your kids. And while letting go of your “former self,” you may feel a profound sense of loss. You might, quite literally, grieve the loss of your:
Time
Energy
Independence
Spontaneity
Relationships
Finances
Career potential
Confidence
Expectations
Identity
In order to move through feelings of grief and loss, you have to mourn. Dr. Alan Wolfelt describes mourning as “grief gone public” or “the outward expression of grief” (Center for Loss & Life Transition, 2016). Finding a safe and validating place in which to mourn—cry, process, journal, pray, share—is a necessity. Attending to this process makes way for hope and meaning in the midst of a transition.
#3 Practice radical acceptance.
There’s something empowering about simply accepting the way things are. Noticing and accepting the reality of the push and pull of motherhood allows us to abandon the shoulds and embrace the cans.
Negative self-talk says, “I should have a baby that naps perfectly throughout the day.”
Radical acceptance says, “I can create a good sleep environment, but it’s up to him to sleep!”
#4 Embrace being a “good enough” mother.
The Good Enough Mother, defined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is an approach to parenting that involves being sensitive, responsive, and adaptive to our children’s needs and developmental abilities. It stands in direct contrast to the perfect parent, recognizing that we can’t be everything all the time and that’s more than OK.
Accepting that “good enough” is all we can give—and all our children actually require—helps take back the joy and confidence in motherhood.
#5 Take some you time.
You’re not just a mom; you’re a whole human who has her own needs, preferences, interests, and goals.
Finding new or revisiting old hobbies can better define your identity outside motherhood.
Check out this list to get you thinking:
Podcasts
Writing
Photography
Yoga
Crafting
Cooking
Singing
Exercising
Gardening
Investing
Sewing
Creating a small business
Restoring furniture
Scrapbooking
You’re doing great.
Becoming a mother isn’t easy. That’s why I extensively cover the transition to motherhood in Keeping Mommy In Mind. This online course and virtual community can help you navigate matrescence with confidence. Start today!
Sources
Abrahams, T. (2011). Comment: Occupation, identity and choice: A dynamic interaction. Journal of Occupational Science, 15(3), 186–189. https://doi.org/10.1080/14427591.2008.9686629
Center for Loss & Life Transition. (2016, May 19). Grief. Center for Loss & Life Transition. https://www.centerforloss.com/grief/.
Leigh, B. (2016, May 25). The 'Good Enough' Parent. Centre for Perinatal Psychology. https://www.centreforperinatalpsychology.com.au/good-enough-parent/#:~:text=Winnicott%2C%20a%20paediatrician%20and%20child,position%2C%20tolerating%20frustration%20and%20waiting%2C.
Naumburg, C. (2018, March 14). The Gift of the Good Enough Mother. Seleni. https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/14/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother.
Raphael, D. (1975). Being female: reproduction, power, and change. Mouton Publishers.
Rogers-Anderson, S. (n.d.). Matrescence: Why becoming a mama can be so challenging. The Tot. https://www.thetot.com/mama/matrescence-why-becoming-a-mama-can-be-so-challenging/.
Ulfsdotter Eriksson, Y., & Linde, M. (2014). "Being" or "Doing" a Profession: Work as a Matter of Social Identity. The International Journal of Interdisciplinary Cultural Studies, 8(1), 33–43. https://doi.org/10.18848/2327-008x/cgp/v08i01/53186
