8 Totally Normal Reasons You Don’t Want to Have Sex After Baby
And 6 Ways to Get Back in the Mood (If You Want To)
You’ve arrived for your 6-week postpartum check-up. Although you just had a baby, you feel like this appointment is supposed to mark the end of your postpartum journey.
So you’re shoulding all over yourself.
You should be better at this mom thing.
You should have lost weight.
You should have figured out breastfeeding.
You should have your routine settled.
You should have your sex drive back.
Oooh, that last one’s a real doozy.
If you’re like many women, you’re absolutely dreading your OB/GYN saying those words: “OK! Everything looks good! You can have sex again!”
But just because you can have sex now doesn’t mean you want to. More importantly: Just because you don’t want to doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
There are plenty of totally normal reasons why you’re not back in the mood. Let’s talk about eight of them.
#1 Postpartum hormones are not libido-friendly.
Postpartum is a whole whirlwind of hormones:
Decreased estrogen. While we see this as a nuisance, decreased estrogen is evolutionary! It’s how your body ensures you’re not in the mood so you can fully heal and invest in the baby you just had.
Increased oxytocin. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone—it’s released when you hug, have sex, and breastfeed. With all the snuggling and feeding you’re doing these days, you’re being overwhelmed with oxytocin. You don’t need to have sex with your partner to get it, so you’re less likely to be in the mood.
Prolactin. This hormone prepares you for breastfeeding, and while it’s great for relaxation, it’s no good for your sex drive. Once again, evolution is at play. Increased prolactin is your body’s way of making sure you remain focused on your new baby instead of literally anything else—including sex with your partner.
#2 Sex is painful post-baby.
One of the less-than-sexy side effects of your hormonal roller coaster? Vaginal dryness. This makes sex anywhere from mediocre to totally painful. And if you’ve had extra complications—episiotomies, C-section, stretched perineum—you’re likely to experience more pain than not when trying to do the do.
#3 You may be experiencing a PMAD.
Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) affect plenty of new parents, especially moms. They include things like anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), psychosis, and depression.
Postpartum depression (PPD) is the most common PMAD, affecting up to 40% of all moms. And while low libido isn’t necessarily a sure-fire sign you’re experiencing PPD or other disorder, it could be a symptom!
Learn more about PMADs and how to seek support.
#4 You may feel self-conscious.
Our bodies change a lot during pregnancy and postpartum, and society isn’t exactly kind to those new bodies. We’re left feeling like squishy, lumpy shells of our former selves. You may barely recognize what’s in the mirror. That’s a lot to take in!
So the last thing you may want to do is to show your new body to someone else. Particularly to someone who you know found your pre-baby body sexy. You’re worried, “What will they think now?!”
#5 You may feel touched out.
Since giving birth, you’ve likely had someone attached to you all day. Whether it’s a breastfeeding baby or a clingy toddler, you haven’t had your body to yourself in what seems like forever. That leaves you feeling used, invaded, and even violated. The last thing you want to do is to give up your personal space after a long day of caring for your child.
#6 You’re too busy to get busy.
If you’re supposed to nap when the baby naps, keep a clean home, care for other children, work, and maintain a social life all at the same time, there seemingly is no time for sex.
In your pre-baby days, you might have flung all that aside for a little spicy bedroom time. But now, your priorities are wildly different. And that’s to be expected.
#7 You’re so tired.
Insufficient sleep can lead to decreased libido. Duh, right? You’re spending every drop of energy pouring into your children, especially in that newborn phase. It’s no wonder you’re having trouble finding the energy for sex.
#8 You’re nervous about getting pregnant again.
Maybe your pregnancy experience wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Or maybe you just can’t imagine adding another baby to your family. Whatever the reason, you might be avoiding sex because you don’t want to get pregnant.
6 Ways to Slowly Promote Post-Baby Intimacy
There are plenty of reasons why you’re not having sex right now. And every single one of them is OK. Be kind to yourself as your libido naturally returns. (And if it doesn’t, and if you’re concerned, talk with your OB/GYN.)
But if you’re looking to introduce intimacy back into your relationship sooner than later, try these six tips.
#1 Be patient with yourself.
Most women report that decreased libido is temporary—anywhere from a few months to a year-and-a-half postpartum. Remember this change isn’t permanent, and you’ll likely return to your baseline soon.
#2 Keep communication open.
Many partners have difficulty with the post-baby, mismatched libido. It’s important to be honest with them about all the reasons you might not want to have sex. This helps your partner feel more confident that it’s not them; it’s everything else going on in your insides and outsides. And by talking about the reasons you’re not in the mood, you’re being vulnerable and kicking shame to the curb.
Communication is also important to break the tension when you do decide to get intimate. Talk about your physical changes, how it might feel to have sex, and anything else you might be worried about. This can help you relax and feel more comfortable with your partner.
#3 Get childcare.
Even if it’s just for a couple hours during the week, getting some help with your kids can mean the difference between sheer exhaustion and functional adulthood. And when you’re not exhausted, you might find you’re more interested in sex. You’re worth it!
#4 Use tons of lube.
Seriously, the vaginal dryness is super real. Make sure you’re using plenty of lube to make your transition back to intimacy more comfortable.
#5 Get intimate in other ways.
Look for ways to create intimacy outside of sex. Hold hands, kiss, and touch each other in non-sexual ways. This can slowly re-introduce both the sexual and non-sexual ways you and your partner can be intimate and close to one another.
#6 Make time for sex.
If both you and your partner want to make sex a priority, do it! Carve out some time for just the two of you. Again, you’re worth it!
You’re not broken. Promise.
A decreased libido can make you feel broken. But you’re not. This is a normal, expected part of the postpartum experience. And you can get through it. For more support, join me for the Navigating Intimacy After Children Workshop. I’ll teach you the different types of intimacy, how to explore barriers to intimacy, as well as actionable tips to connect with your partner, both physically and emotionally. Learn more here.
Sources
Kalmbach, D. A., Arnedt, J. T., Pillai, V., & Ciesla, J. A. (2015). The impact of sleep on female sexual response and behavior: A pilot study. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(5), 1221–1232. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12858
