Embracing a Good Enough Mother Mentality

As moms, we’re always trying to get everything right.

We need the right toys, books, schedules, nutrition, discipline, sleep practices, and answers to our kid’s millionth question that starts with “Mommy, why does…”

But when we (inevitably) fail at being right all the time, we start to feel all sorts of yuck. We endure waves of anxiety, fear, guilt, blame, and shame.

Then, we hop on social media to try to forget about our feelings of not-good-enough-ness and get the exact opposite. We see:

Moms who (appear to) have it all: the spotless house, homemade dinners, beautiful clothes, fulfilling careers, and kids who never cry, fight, spit-up, or make messes.
Baby-PT and sleep-training enthusiasts whose 8-week-olds are rolling over and sleeping through the night.
Child nutrition aficionados who regularly serve their kids meals we’ve actually only experienced on special occasions.

We’re in information overload and feel like we’re not doing enough or that we don’t know enough. In short, we feel like we aren’t good enough.

If the tears are welling up in your eyes right now, I get it. Take a deep breath. I need you to know you aren’t alone.

The Consequences of Social Comparison

You likely know this already: Social media, and its link to social comparison, is terrible for our mental health. A 2018 study looked specifically at moms and how comparison to people on our newsfeeds increases our symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Social media can also make us feel:

Stressed
Worthless
Addicted
Jealous or envious
Lonely

Now, not all social comparison is bad. After all, we “compare” our kids’ development via milestones and growth charts.

But comparing our whole lives is different. In that case, we wind up using other people as the standard or expectation for how we should parent. Other moms, many of whom we don’t even know in real life, become the measuring stick for what it means to be good at parenting. But those standards change all the time, with no single, actionable definition of what “good parent” even means.

As moms, we can feel guilty or find fault in ourselves for just about anything. Even if we have a developmentally advanced, walking-by-11-months, no-fuss, great little sleeper, we’ll still keep ourselves up at night wondering, “Should I have read them another book at bedtime?”

So, when we say we want to be good, what we’re actually aiming for is perfection.

Perfectionism Leads to Parental Burnout

Intellectually, we know perfection is unattainable. But we keep going for it anyway. And when we’re constantly reaching for an impossible, ever-changing bar, we start to burn out.

Parental burnout is the combination of overwhelming exhaustion, emotional distancing, and sense of ineffectiveness as a parent that results from chronic parenting stress. You also might experience:

Inability to control your emotions
Difficulty thinking clearly
Physical fatigue
Loss of pleasure in parenting
Realization of a difference in ability to parent over time

Parental burnout has some significant, sometimes dangerous consequences. Sleep disorders, health problems, increased alcohol consumption, suicidal thoughts, marital conflicts, and child abuse and neglect are all results of long-term burnout.

If you’re feeling suicidal, check out these resources, call 911, or go to your nearest emergency room.

We’re often taught that fluffy ideas of self-care will ease our anxiety, rage, and exhaustion. While bubble baths, spa days, a glass of wine, or our favorite TV show probably won’t hurt, they’re just not enough.

So, what’s the solution?

It’s time to embrace The Good Enough Mother.

The Good Enough Mother, coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is an approach to parenting that involves being sensitive, responsive, and adaptive to our children’s needs and developmental abilities. It stands in direct contrast to the perfect parent, recognizing that you can’t be everything all the time and that’s more than OK.

In fact, it’s better, and here’s why: The world isn’t perfect. Eventually, our kids are going to learn that. Winnicott posits that if we “fail” our kids in manageable, developmentally appropriate ways, we can help them become healthier, more adaptive adults.

Let’s take a closer look at the two approaches.

A perfect mother might do everything in her power to prevent her kids from experiencing negative emotions, anticipating or immediately responding to any sign of discomfort.

A good enough mother responds to her young kids quickly and emphatically because she knows they need to be protected and soothed. But as her kids grow, she recognizes she can’t sustain that level of attentiveness—and doesn’t need to. Instead, she’ll allow them to be uncomfortable, disappointed, frustrated, or sad. Through these small, manageable “failures” (as we often define them) her children grow—mentally and emotionally—and are better prepared for the world.

Now, that’s not to say we should create tense moments for the express purpose of teaching our 6-month-olds the world doesn’t revolve around them. Rather, it’s a reminder that mess is going to happen, and that’s really OK. Because the goal isn’t to be perfect. The goal is to be good enough.

When we re-frame good enough, realizing that’s all we can give—and all our children require of us—we can take back the joy and confidence in motherhood.

You’re good enough. And that’s perfectly OK.

Get more support.

If the idea of perfectionism leading to burnout felt familiar, I wrote my new online course for you. Overcoming Parental Burnout will help you recognize how burnout is showing up in your life, learn evidence-based skills to combat stress, and more. Learn more and enroll here.

Sources

Brown, J. (2018, January 4). Is social media bad for you? The evidence and the unknowns. BBC Future. https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180104-is-social-media-bad-for-you-the-evidence-and-the-unknowns.

First Five Years. (2020, March 2). Coping with parental burnout and stress. First Five Years. https://www.firstfiveyears.org.au/lifestyle/coping-with-parental-burnout-and-stress.

Leigh, B. (2016, May 25). The 'Good Enough' Parent. Centre for Perinatal Psychology. https://www.centreforperinatalpsychology.com.au/good-enough-parent/#:~:text=Winnicott%2C%20a%20paediatrician%20and%20child,position%2C%20tolerating%20frustration%20and%20waiting%2C.

Mikolajczak, M., Raes, M.-E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2017). Exhausted Parents: Sociodemographic, Child-Related, Parent-Related, Parenting and Family-Functioning Correlates of Parental Burnout. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27(2), 602–614. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0892-4

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (n.d.). Help Yourself. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/.

Naumburg, C. (2018, March 14). The Gift of the Good Enough Mother. Seleni. https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/14/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother.

Padoa, T., Berle, D., & Roberts, L. (2018). Comparative social media use and the mental health of mothers with high levels of perfectionism. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 37(7), 514–535. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2018.37.7.514